Forever Friend

So I sat down to write about all the old hymns and how they were all about the same thing, God’s grace and mercy. My intention was to rant about how the songs we write today are all about our contributions to the kingdom of God and our sacrificial lives, but I’m feeling rather convicted. You see, when I did a little research what I found was that they really aren’t much different at all. Short of a few grammatical and language differences, the subject matter is all the same. They all tell the same stories, complete with longing, suffering, wonder, appreciation, and an ever-present need for redemption and many of them speak of our desire to serve the God we love. All of it’s right there, on the pages of the old hymnbooks and the overhead projectors of our “worship” communities. Nothing has changed, really. But I do have a strong fondness of the old hymns. They’re so raw and unedited. The writers seem so passionate and certain of their hearts’ desire and for the most part, that was one thing alone, Jesus. Sure, there are numerous hymns about God, but almost all of the ones I came across were sung to and about Jesus (yes, I know all about the Trinity). There is one thing I can say for certain about my own view of “worship” songs. When I sing songs today, it’s almost as if I’m singing to a stranger, like some distant pen pal I’ve never met. But the writers of the hymns seemed to be much more connected to their subject matter. They seemed to be intimately involved with Him, on a much deeper than surface level. They were friends with Jesus and it shone through in their lyrics.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about how to make that connection with Jesus when I sing to Him and the only way I know how to do that is to explore what exactly that connection looks like. What does it mean to be a friend of Jesus? How do I go from looking upward to Jesus, to standing before Him, face to face? I think to do that I have to understand who He really is and what He means to me. Jesus has been called so many things because He truly was so many things to so many different people (and still is). He’s been called a shepherd, deliverer, healer, king, potter, purifier, redeemer, restorer, rock, servant, saviour, unspotted lamb, vine, cornerstone…shall I go on? Wow, those are some serious shoes to fill. So here are a few names I particularly love that really define who Jesus is to me.

Counselor (one who gives advice) – Let me take this one step further. Jesus does not just give advice; He gives sound advice and even my best friend sometimes messes that one up. Any counsel from Jesus is more than trustworthy, because He is the author of perfection. He is the measure against which we hold every question of morality and every act of judgment. So when I’m stuck at a crossroads and I’m not sure which path to take, I can rest assured that the right way is the way of the savior. And though it may not be the path of least resistance, as long as my eyes are fixed on Jesus, I will always come out alright on the other side (and I don’t have to pay $100 for an hour session to get there). What a friend I have in Jesus!

Lover (an affectionate or benevolent friend) – My personal favorite. Jesus doesn’t merely think I’m kind of cool and somewhat fun to hang around. Jesus loves me affectionately and passionately. He cares for me, which, lets be honest, sometimes our parents don’t even do well. He is a benevolent friend, inherently good, and devoted to me whole-heartedly and I know this because anyone who willingly goes to the grave to secure my fate does nothing half-heartedly. What a friend I have in Jesus!

Nourisher (to promote the growth of; sustain) – To think that Jesus actually cares about my growth! Well, He does. And I’m not talking about my growth as defined by a life of less sin or greater works. I think spiritual growth is simply growing closer to Jesus by getting more real with Him. Once I grow up by coming clean and learning to lean, He truly does sustain me and nourish my soul. What a friend I have in Jesus!

And now a final word about my faithful friend, Jesus. I heard someone say once that every time you see a penny on the ground, you should stop and reflect upon what it says, “In God We Trust.” And then try to remember all the times you’ve trusted God and all the times He has never failed you. Brilliant! God’s faithfulness to us is not in question. What we struggle with is remembering His faithfulness amidst our doubts, fears, and painful circumstances. So I thought this was a cute way to remind myself and now, whenever God proves Himself faithful to me yet again, I drop a penny in my “trust fund.” ‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

So I think if I keep focusing on the attributes of Jesus and realize that He is truly the greatest friend a girl could ever have, the words on the overhead projector may actually come to life and instead of sending my praises up to the one who loves me, I can whisper a simple “Thank you” to the friend standing right beside me.

So here are a few of my favorite hymns about my forever friend.

Anywhere with Jesus
Words by Jessie Brown Pounds - 1887
Verses 3 and 4 by Helen Cadbury Alexander - 1915

Music by Daniel Brink Towner – 1887

Anywhere with Jesus I can safely go,
Anywhere He leads me in this world below;
Anywhere without Him dearest joys would fade;
Anywhere with Jesus I am not afraid.

Refrain
Anywhere, anywhere! Fear I cannot know;
Anywhere with Jesus I can safely go.

Anywhere with Jesus I am not alone;
Other friends may fail me, He is still my own;
Though His hand may lead me over drearest ways,
Anywhere with Jesus is a house of praise.

Anywhere with Jesus, over land and sea,
Telling souls in darkness of salvation free;
Ready as He summons me to go or stay,
Anywhere with Jesus when He points the way.

Anywhere with Jesus I can go to sleep,
When the darkening shadows round about me creep,
Knowing I shall waken nevermore to roam;
Anywhere with Jesus will be home, sweet home.

The Touch of His Hand on Mine
Words by Jessie Brown Pounds
Music by Henry P. Morton - 1913

There are days so dark that I seek in vain
For the face of my Friend Divine;
But though darkness hide, He is there to guide
By the touch of His Hand on mine.

Refrain
O the touch of His Hand on mine,
O the touch of His Hand on mine,
There is grace and power in the trying hour,
By the touch of His Hand on mine.

There are times when tired of the toilsome road,
For the ways of the world I pine;
But He draws me back to the upward track,
By the touch of His Hand on mine.

When the way is dim and I cannot see
Through the midst of His wise design,
How my glad heart yearns and my faith returns,
By the touch of His Hand on mine.

In that last sad hour as I stand alone,
Where the powers of death combine,
While the dark waves roll He will guide my soul,
By the touch of His Hand on mine.

And now I think I’ll try my hand at one of my own…

Forever Friend
I sang the songs of yesterday,
And let them wake my heart.
And in the words I’d held at bay,
Discovered who you are.

Jesus, Savior, Nourisher,
Teach my soul to trust.
Counselor, encourager,
Who raised me from the dust.

Son of Man, whose grace abounds
In morning, noon and night.
Holy God with nail-pierced hands
That steered my wrong course right.

Refrain
What a friend we have in Jesus.
Faithful friend who never leaves us.
What a friend who truly sees us.
Loving friend who daily frees us.

Father of the weak and poor,
Lover of the lost,
Son whose mercy opens doors,
Bearer of another’s cross.

Shepherd of a wandering flock,
Cornerstone on which to build,
Humble servant, solid rock,
Vision of promises fulfilled.

Refrain
What a friend we have in Jesus.
Faithful friend who never leaves us.
What a friend who truly sees us.
Loving friend who daily frees us.

Remover of all obstacles,
Deliverer, with lives to mend,
Redeemer of the prodigals,
Mighty King, forever friend.

May songs I sing, with heart unbound,
Be praises to my faithful friend,
For what an honor to be found,
And know what lies around the bend.

Chosen and Precious

I’ve heard it said before that we live in a world that seeks to devour us. The outrageous cost of living, the lack of morality in most of our entertainment, and the barrage of advertisements that urge us to super size, throw caution to the wind, and build a better body, lead us to believe that good enough will never be. We are crushed under the promise of a “new and improved us.” But what if that is not the case at all? Of course, the main goal of an advertiser is to get you to buy what they are selling, but does all that pressure really seek to devour us? I don’t think this world seeks to devour us so much as it seeks to ignore us and THAT is an even greater detriment. In trying to find our place in this world, I think sometimes we can do much greater harm to ourselves than any outside force could do.

So here’s the way I see it. I used to view the world as a giant, relentless tidal wave. There was a constant struggle to stay afloat and every time I came up for air, that pesky wave would pummel me yet again. Now I view the world as more of a black hole, an abyss of ordinariness and predictability and we all just sort of get lost in the darkness. Our attempts to step back into the light look a little like this. We fight to find something unique about ourselves and accentuate that quality, to leave a mark and render ourselves unforgettable. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way our actions are construed more as acting out and not as standing out. Our goal is to gain attention and admiration. And quite frankly, some of us would just like to be noticed. Consequently, our real struggle is not against the world, but against ourselves.

David laments in Psalm 103, “As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.” To this world, we are nothing but flowers that will soon pass. I think we spend most of our days here on Earth trying to prove to others that we are much more than that. But in our pursuit of notoriety, we build an image even worse than that of a dying flower, in fact, much closer to a weed. And what is most frightening is that in many cases, people of ill repute are the people this world elevates. It is the Dennis Rodmans and the Saddam Husseins that this world deems most newsworthy. The more absurd your lifestyle, the more outrageous your deeds, and the more obnoxious your image, the more attention you get. And make no mistake, it happens on a smaller scale too. Young girls act out in promiscuity to get the attention they so desperately crave. Gang members commit heinous acts of violence to feel some sense of inclusion with a family, however dysfunctional it may be. Even as babies, the most effective way to get our needs met is to scream until someone takes notice. So alright, it isn’t difficult to analyze WHY we do what we do. The long and short of it is that we don’t want to merely sway back and forth in the wind waiting for our time to come. We want to prove to this world that we have something to offer, something unlike anything else it has ever known, something special. Basically, we want to prove we have more value than Joe Schmo sitting next to us. So here’s a question for you to ponder…is it really THAT important for this world to take notice of us? I mean, what’s so wrong with being ignored. In fact, I would venture to guess that most of us long for the people around us to ignore us every once in a while. So I guess I should delve a little deeper. Isn’t what really matters that God takes notice of us? Doesn’t our value come from Him alone? Shouldn’t that be enough? (Here comes that “in a perfect world” speech again).

“The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity and held safe in an everlasting embrace. We must dare to opt consciously for our chosen ness and not allow our emotions, feelings, or passions to seduce us into self-rejection.” -Henri J. M. Nouwen

When we start to feel ignored by this world and consequently, persecute ourselves for being unnoticeable, wouldn’t it serve us well to search for our worth elsewhere? Oh that we could remember this one on a daily basis! I am the chosen child of God, precious in His sight. Chosen and precious. Chosen and precious. Chosen and precious. So what if this world does not choose me? What if when the team captains are picking their players, I’m the last one picked? Here’s one I love even more. In the child’s game Red Rover, when the other team finally does call your name, you run as fast as you can to break through and then they block you. It’s like being teased at acceptance. They’re calling you to come join them and then they shut you out. Fun, but slightly rude. Hang tight, I have a point. In God’s eyes, you will never be shut out as long as you’re headed in His direction. You are chosen and precious.

I guess our real hang up then, is once again, letting God’s affection for us be enough and accepting that though this world may never take notice of us, God will never forget us. Chosen and precious. And now, a HUGE digression, but a scenario I find quite intriguing.

If you give a child a dollar, he will celebrate. He will rejoice and laugh and shout with joy because he's got dreams. He's got lofty ideas of how far a dollar will go. He’s got endless possibilities. If you give a grown man a dollar, he will despair. He will mutter an insincere "thanks" and cringe with disdain because he's got life. He's got years of heartache, years of bills too numerous to count and years of the bitter, tasteless sting of reality. He is jaded. A dollar is almost a curse; it is a fraction of what it would take to do more than merely survive. It is a dent in the armor of happiness, a mere pebble on the beach of eternal bliss (hehe). Oh, how I long to be a child again, to feel the worth of a dollar. And oh, how marvelous the beauty and wonder of the thought that our heavenly father views us the same. We are but a dollar in worth to ourselves, but to Him, a vast ocean of wealth with priceless value. We are an endless possibility to God, a blank slate on which to write a story with a happy ending, a blank canvas on which to paint a masterpiece. Chosen and precious. Before David’s diatribe in Psalm 103, he says a little something about ‘as high as the Heavens above, so great is the measure of our Father’s love.’ GREAT IS THE MEASURE OF OUR FATHER’S LOVE! Great, not slightly noticeable, mildly tolerant, or remotely apparent, but GREAT! For someone who has chosen to saturate us in His love, to ignore us would be completely out of character.

Ok, I’ll close with this. I’m sort of a vivid learner. I can’t retain or comprehend an idea until I’ve painted a picture of it in my mind (or read it 75 times). So here’s how I illustrated this topic. There once was this huge game of Red Rover going on in Heaven. There were two teams, the Sin Seekers and the Fallen Angels and they both screamed in unison, “Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jesus right over.” And the beauty of the game was this. Jesus came running and no hands went up to keep Him out. He broke through (ok, a little blood was shed), but He broke through nonetheless. And everybody won and from that day on, here we stand – ignored by worldly standards – chosen and precious by Godly standards.

And justice for all

So what is the sign of repentance anyway? How do we truly know when someone is face down on their penitent face and when they are simply posing for the cameras? And my God, what gives us the right to be concerned with this matter in the first place? Let me first state that in attempting to scratch the surface of this one, the finger that so often comes dangerously close to pointing at God’s vengeance and eternal damnation is pointing right back at myself, because I am the worst of sinners when it comes to judging (and so many other areas). So here goes nothing. Where do we draw the lines between “gently” rebuking our brothers and sisters, harshly judging them under the guise of saving their mortal souls, and biting our tongues when we believe they are “backsliding”? And when they profess to be “giving it to God,” what then?

Let me lay a foundation and define judgment as I see it and then I’ll get into our obsessive flirtation with it. What is it? Judgment is not characterized by speech alone, but can come in the form of a disdainful look, a sigh of disappointment, or even the distancing of oneself from a long-time friend for fear of becoming “guilty by association.” And now, where does it come from? In all honesty, I am more apt to believe our judgment of others is better explained as a deflection of our own guilt about the sins in our lives than as a genuine concern for their salvation. Either way, I think too many of us are confused about how we approach judgment in the Christian community. As far as non-believers are concerned, we may as well be charging admission when we point our disapproving fingers, roll our disbelieving eyes, and dispel our urgent calls to repentance because these tactics we’ve come to know and love are nothing short of entertaining to non-believers. Seriously, I pray for the whole world to know Christ, but you and I both know that isn’t going to happen, so let’s concentrate on the smaller picture for now.

I guess the real problem then is Christians…not the ones who have mastered the art of empathy and surmounted the challenge of coupling compassion with admonition (hats off to all 3 of you!), but those who have intentionally (God forbid) or unintentionally tarnished the crown of mercy and singed the garland of grace. In a perfect world, all Christians would be skilled at gentle rebuke. If we were truly learning from the master, rebuke would play out as it does in Mark 16:14, “…Jesus appeared to the eleven as they were eating; he rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen.” Jesus rebukes the disciples in this passage not for their wicked ways per se, but for their lack of faith in Him. So when one of our brothers or sisters is sinning, is it their actual sin that bothers us or is it their lack of faith? If there is ever an instance in which I feel it is appropriate to correct one of my friends, it should be when he/she is not trusting in God’s power to heal and forgive, not solely because I disapprove of his/her choices. And even then, my approach should be such that the playing field is level. We are both sinners; both in need of God’s love and mercy; and both under the blanket of grace, rather than the weight of condemnation. Ah yes, in a perfect world…

But here’s another one for you to chew on. Not only have we eclipsed gentle rebuke with biting judgment, but we’ve actually taken it one step farther. One of the biggest problems it seems is that many Christians have not learned to distinguish where rebuke ends and forgiveness begins. Daily we walk the line between responsibility as a Christian and responsibility as a friend. What is truly disheartening is that we have somewhere along the line divorced the two and come to the conclusion that we cannot play both roles at the same time. In our rush to ensure that God’s precious flock does not wander from the field, we have unknowingly pushed a few sheep off the proverbial walk of faith and down a cliff of despair and guilt.

Let me be very clear. I am extremely apprehensive to express any sort of disapproval of one’s actions to begin with (though I do it quite often), but I am only human. So, when I have truly invested in one of my friends, given myself some sort of a platform from which to speak, and genuinely feel that out of concern alone I cannot shut my mouth any longer, I have been known to share my feelings about the choices he/she is making. And then, when I have spoken my peace, I do my best to let it go! But is this what the Bible calls us to do or are we called to a much greater duty? You ready? I really don’t have an answer for you on this one, but I do know one thing – there is a very finite line that has been drawn in the sand for us to take note of and it addresses the following question. When do we expel the immoral brother (which is most often, ourselves) and when do we lovingly embrace him? I got three words for you…RE-PENT-ANCE! The moment a sinner cries out to God for forgiveness, our rebuke falls to the wayside and God’s mercy takes over. But as one writer points out, “The trouble with most Christians today is that they would rather be on the judgment seat than on the witness stand.” Don’t we love it when someone else’s sin is more visible than ours? We get to feel better about our own iniquities or at least about our ability to camouflage them. And God forbid someone should actually acknowledge their sins and cry out to God for help. Then we get to judge their sincerity and the motives of their heart. Listen to what God’s divinely inspired have to say about that. 1 Corinthians 4:3-5”I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.” If that isn’t enough to squash the pride in you, consider this. The appearance of our righteousness in the church often leads to the disappearance of God’s righteousness and who wants to answer for that one on judgment day?

So let me explain it in one more way. Eric Sandras says in Buck Naked Faith, “It is the pursuit of the kind of the relationship with the Father that Jesus had, and not the expectation of attainment in this lifetime, that we’ve needed all along.” I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it a million more. We get so caught up in trying to be Jesus that we often fail to be WITH Jesus. God desires us to pursue a relationship with Him, to seek Him and long for His friendship. To strive for the very same intimate bond that He had with Jesus. But He’s also made it perfectly clear that while we are on Earth, in our sinful bodies, we will never have that perfect relationship. So maybe we should focus on a more feasible goal. We should be encouraging each other to pursue a relationship with God through confession, trust, and ever-increasing need for His grace, not holding each other to the impossible standard of filling His shoes. So when you get the urge to pick up your gavel, don your black robe, and shout, “Guilty!” try to remember that you’re the one on trial and throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

God, we throw ourselves on the mercy of your court. Please silence the voices of our accusers and when we look to you, let them look away. If we do allow their misplaced anger and hurt to sting our souls, gently reminder us that as long as we trust in you, you will never abandon us. And if we ask ourselves – what does it look like to trust God? May we always hear the answer – it looks like a cross set upon a hill, stained red as a reminder that we are loved.

Rest Assured

"I was regretting the past and fearing the future. Suddenly God was speaking: 'My name is I am.' I waited and God continued, 'When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I was. When you live in the future, with its problems and fears, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I will be. When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am here. My name is I AM.'" ~Helen Mellincost

Wow, I really need to write; it’s been way too long. So on this day of turmoil and chaos, frustration and rage, busyness and restlessness, I will make time to write, because only one other thing soothes my soul such as this. There is too much these days for any one person to handle (except Jesus, of course). There is too much noise, too many errands to run, too much stress, too many crazy California drivers, too much heartbreak and too many worries that bombard us from one minute to the next. Shall I go on? Oh, what a girl would give for just five minutes of solace! We wonder why we all have difficulty falling asleep, and no, it’s not because we haven’t given in and bought a sleep number bed yet. We can’t get our bodies to rest at night because we can’t get our minds to rest at night. The worries of yesterday and the anxieties of tomorrow weigh on us like a ton of bricks and in the stillness of the night, our “to do” list is anything but still.

So try to follow my random thoughts for a minute and don’t freak out when I say this. Those crazy Buddhists have it all figured out (well, some of it anyway). Buddhist ideals rest on the challenge of maintaining consciousness of one’s surroundings at any and every given moment. Buddhist philosophy rests on this principle – be here now! When you are sitting, feel the chair beneath you. When you are speaking, listen to your own words. Whatever you do, focus on the physicality of the task and try to align your thoughts with those actions. In other words, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD (ok, maybe the Buddhists would leave out the love of God thing, but you get the picture)! Hmm, easier said than done and even the Buddhists know that, but it’s a good goal to have, right? Ok, here comes that movie trailer guy again…”In a world with too much of everything, where chaos ruled and busyness triumphed, one man came to awaken their hearts, put to sleep their minds, and change the course of history forever.” I love that movie trailer guy! Anyway, in a perfect world our “to do” lists would only get smaller (and our bank accounts larger, but I’ll leave that one for another day). So let me just touch on the “be here now” idea for now.

So I’ve been trying to figure out a way to work Psalm 23 into my writing, because I truly love it and I guess now is as good a time as any. In case you’ve forgotten, Psalm 23:1-6The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

I love this Psalm for so many reasons. It’s all about the peace, comfort, and solitude that only a loving and powerful God can offer and it’s all about how He chooses to bless us with these things daily. On a side note, I love verse 6, “Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.” Notice it does not say that I will strive for goodness and love or run after them? Goodness and love will follow me. Imagine that…they will come to me wherever I go. God loves me that much. But I digress. What is truly appealing to me is the tense of the scripture. The author is writing in the present tense. He is not concerned about what God did yesterday or what He will do tomorrow. His only concern is what God is doing RIGHT NOW. And right now, God is providing, and leading, restoring, guiding, comforting, and shepherding. God is present at this moment and every moment for that matter. So really, God is the greatest Buddhist who ever lived (LOL). God is the only one who has ever mastered the art of “being here now.”

In the song “Getting Into You” by Relient K, their hearts cry out, “I’ve been a liar and I’ll never amount to the kind of person you deserve to worship you. You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do. You say, ‘I love you and that’s what you are getting yourself into.’” So if God is not concerned with what I did yesterday, why would I care? It seems like wasted energy, doesn’t it? Warren Wiersbe says it this way, “Most Christians are being crucified on a cross between two thieves: Yesterday's regret and tomorrow's worries.” Hmm…thieves, I like that. Yesterday and tomorrow are thieves. They steal our peace, rob us of our joy, and deprive us of the intimacy with God that comes from awareness of His presence at every moment.

So how do I learn to live in the middle? To make my comfort zone the diminutive space between yesterday and tomorrow or better yet, between five minutes ago and five minutes from now? How do I feel the chair beneath me, the air around me, and the keyboard that I’m typing on when my mind draws ever closer to the stack of bills lying on the desk beside me? How do I maintain consciousness of God’s love for me RIGHT NOW and let everything else fade into the background? Here is one perspective: Arthur W. Pink states in an almost urgent tone, “From every pulpit in the land it needs to be thundered forth that God still lives, that God still observes, ... still reigns. Faith is now in the crucible, it is being tested by fire, and there is no fixed... resting place for the heart and mind but in the throne of God. What is needed now, as never before, is a full, positive, constructive setting forth of the Godhood of God.”

The Godhood of God, I like that too. It seems the longer our “to do” list gets and the more crushing the weight of our present circumstances, the less relevance God has to us. In fact, He takes on a whole different role in our lives, doesn’t He? God becomes the punisher, the great unknown, the misunderstood, misrepresented, unloving, unsympathetic, distant, fair-weather friend. He is responsible for our burdens and slow to pull us out from under them. He is selective in His hearing and apathetic about our pain. He is an Alzheimer’s patient, forgetting those He loves. Where, oh where has our great God of compassion and mercy gone? I’ll tell you where He’s gone – nowhere. It’s us who have gone. That author is right, faith is now in the crucible being tested by fire and the real question is, how will we fair? Will we find a resting place for our hearts and minds in the throne of God or in the checkout line at Target? The coffee counter at Starbucks? The big screen at the local theater? God forbid, the bar at the end of the street? Where will our solace lie? Only in the throne of God! So I’ll say it one more time, in case you missed it. COME TO JESUS! Or better yet, stop leaving Him. Lord knows He’s never tried to flee from you. Let’s set forth the Godhood of God, let Him play the role He intended in the first place, and try to believe He really does have it all under control. After all, I’m lucky if I can muster up enough energy to change my cat’s litter, let alone try to change my past or my future.

God, please help me to take back the night. Help me to find rest without the assistance of a million tiny pills. Lead me every second to the middle ground, to the moment between regret and fear, to the throne where your Godhood lies and my need for grace is evident, to the only place my soul finds rest. And when my only focus is on crossing off the items on my list so I can breathe, remind me that only one thing is needed to breathe life into my soul again and that is your love. Help me to live in constant awareness of that love. And in those times of protest when I cry and scream and throw my little temper tantrums, please, drag my sorry butt to Jesus and remind me that I am nothing and life is meaningless without His friendship. And please, oh please, do the same for my friends and family (ok, and all those other sinners too).

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Ok, so I truly believe God has been whispering this simple little prayer in my ear every day for about a month now and how blessed I feel. I was raised in a violent alcoholic home. Chaos was the benchmark of a typical day. There were holes in the walls from my father’s fits of anger, broken sliding glass doors, numerous visits from the police, and believe me, crying was not an activity we reserved for hallmark moments. I think my parents must have separated no less than 10 times until they finally called it quits when I was 17. And the support groups – those silly, sappy, nauseating meetings that reeked of weakness, self-pity and desperation – those were my favorite part of the journey (haha). Let’s see…there was Overcomers, ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), New Life, Alateen (we actually sang about sunshine at the beginning of the meeting), and many, many more. Friends of Bill W. we certainly were and lifelong friends it seemed at times. And finally the vicious cycle ended a year before I graduated and along with it, the endless stream of rehab hospitals and therapy sessions…at least until I turned 24.

And so, following in my father’s footsteps to some extent, I landed myself in jail with a DUI, a $2,400 fine, a 7-year probation, and 6 AA meetings. And yes, I actually went to the required meetings and trust me, they don’t take well to DUI offenders who don’t necessarily choose to sit in on their little therapy sessions, but are required to do so by the courts. So there I sat, writhing in my seat, uneasy that it felt all too familiar. The 12 step posters on the wall, the faces that longed for a reclamation of jobs and families lost, and the coffee that offered little solace to unanswered cravings. And though the anything-but-fond memories that came flooding back were not unfamiliar, they still seemed to fill me with the same contempt they had 7 years prior. The words on the walls carried no meaning; they were just empty recitations to fill an hour and a half…until this past month.

What amuses me is that I bought a stone tablet engraved with the Serenity Prayer about a year ago and it hangs on my bedroom wall still, yet I don’t think I’ve ever noticed it, let alone stopped to reflect. And so God spoke and for the first time, I listened. And He has spoken it to me every day for about a month now and I’m still listening. But now, I’m understanding. And the little prayer that I used to recite in meetings with my family has now taken hold of my heart and I believe, is directing my steps to some extent.

So let me first share what I love the most about it – the title, the Serenity Prayer. Serenity is defined as a state of being serene, which is to be “clear and free of storms or unpleasant change.” Basically, it’s a prayer to God for peace in the middle of a storm. Sometimes I feel like my entire life is a storm, so to ask God for serenity is to ask God how to deal with my life at any and every given moment. What do I need, God, to get through each day, each hour, and even each minute? And so begins the prayer I’ve come to love. Let me break it down for you the way I believe God is breaking it down for me right now.

God grant me the serenity (God allow me for just one peaceful moment),
To accept the things I cannot change (OTHER PEOPLE),
The courage to change the things I can (ME),
And the wisdom to know the difference (half a brain to get it right).

And suddenly this simple, little prayer I used to recite with disdain and contempt has profound meaning to me.

…to accept the things I cannot change. You will never be able to change someone who is not ready and willing to change. Whatever opinions we have that drive our passions, our beliefs and the way we choose to live our lives are just that – the way WE choose to live OUR lives (or if you really want to break it down, the way God chooses for each of us to live our lives). The path God leads me down may never cross the path of one of His other children. I believe He directs all of our steps, but not necessarily in exactly the same direction. I am free to express my desires and convictions, but that doesn’t mean they ring true for everyone. How much energy have I expended unnecessarily to ensure everyone else around me “gets it” and is on board with my way of thinking? Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t “get it.” It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. I’ve been way off the mark way more often than I care to admit and didn’t see it until much later, so why would I ever presume to know what’s right for someone else at any given moment? I think we can certainly influence those around us (in positive and negative ways) and I’m all for sharing our beliefs, along with our struggles, our heart cries, our joys and our sorrows, but at the end of the day, we may still end up at opposite ends of the spectrum. Chances are, we’ll spend most of our time waving to each other from across a crowded room, trying to meet somewhere in the middle, but likely running around in circles.

I think for the most part, we assume that most people are dumber than they actually are. We presume - by attempting to sway their philosophies – to be giving them new information, advice that will surely help them along on their quest for maturity, when in actuality, they probably already know what course of action will serve them best. Until they are ready to choose that course, our attempts at educating them are feeble. People hear only what they want to hear (the other stuff gets filtered out – that pesky selective hearing) and only when they want to hear it. Also, our intentions, as noble as they may seem, are probably often flawed and thus, fall on deaf ears. We seek to change the minds of others and get them to align with our ideals, but it’s often under the guise of great concern for their well-being. So let me lay it out for you, plain and simple and please don’t take offense. You may care for someone desperately and even act out of that concern from time to time. You may try tirelessly to steer someone down a path you believe to be much more of a blessing to them. God forbid, you may even be right, but I speak from 17 years of experience and living with an alcoholic when I say…YOU WILL NOT CHANGE SOMEONE WHO IS NOT READY TO CHANGE!!! And so you speak your peace (in love, of course) and you accept that you cannot change anyone but yourself and then you do what is necessary for you to move on with your life. To quote the Beatles, “Let it Be.” And if you still feel the need to speak your peace until you’re blue in the face, speak it to God. He’ll always listen. And here’s something scary – you may find out that it wasn’t the other person that needed changing in the first place.

…the courage to change the things I can. If it seems things are spinning out of control, chances are they are. There are few things in life we can control and countless millions we cannot, rarely our circumstances and certainly not other people. What’s truly ironic and altogether frustrating is that the more we try to control the world around us, the more control we lose. So where is the light in the dark this time? There is one thing we have some semblance of control over – ourselves. And I believe that though asking for courage is a great place to start, the only way to truly gain control over ourselves is to first surrender control to God. And then, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
I can restrain my anger, contain my frustration, and maintain my composure.
I can listen intently, wait patiently, and speak intelligently.
I can organize my thoughts, criticize my actions, and empathize with weakness.
I can let go of bitterness and hold on to fond memories.
I can receive constructive criticism, respond with humility, and rejoice in lessons learned.
I can stand up for what I believe in, stand down when I know I’m wrong, and stand alone when others have fled.
I can trust in God’s promises, lean on His grace, and rest in His presence.
There are a million words you can substitute for courage in the Serenity Prayer. God grant me the strength to change the things I can, the desire, the will, the energy, even the patience, but the one I love most is faith. Above all else, I need faith to change the things I do have control over.

…and the wisdom to know the difference. This one is pretty self-explanatory. God, help me not to dumb myself down in this area. Learning to surrender our pride and accept that there are certain things in life we cannot change is no small feat, but the ability to recognize those things is paramount. And even greater still is the ability to overcome our tendency to deceive ourselves and switch the two. So often, we convince ourselves that we are unable to change as a mechanism to excuse our actions and deem ourselves a “victim.” Then we further complicate the issue by turning our efforts outward and convincing ourselves that we can change others. And so the vicious cycle continues. The only way to break the cycle is to shift our need for control back to where it belongs, to determine how we can change ourselves to adapt and cope with the circumstances we are faced with. Wisdom in this area and genuine honesty with ourselves go hand in hand. If we are honest about our motives and courageous enough to affect change from within, then God has truly granted us the wisdom to know the difference.

God, keep me clear and free of storms. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And please do the same for my friends and family. Jesus, be the only Jesus they’ll ever meet and meet them where they are.

A Loveless Eternity

What if we’re wrong? What if we’ve got it all backwards and we all end up in Hell? Well, according to all my non-believing friends, that’s where all the hot guys and girls are going to be, so why not? If Hell is an endless party, I’ll be the first one in line, but if there’s a slight chance it’s something less than that, I’m fighting tooth and nail for a ticket on a different bus. So what exactly is Hell going to be like (and may I please never find this out firsthand!)? It’s been depicted as this black hole of torture with fire that never ceases, people screaming out in pain and terror, and the whole show is run by this crazy little guy with horns, a pitchfork, and a fetish for basking in the suffering of others. Maybe, but what if we’re wrong? What if none of those things are there? What if, just what if…

It isn’t what WILL be in Hell that will be of great consequence, but rather what will NOT be there – God’s love. Have you ever been in love, so deeply in love that the mere thought of being apart seems too intense to bear? Every second feels like an eternity. Your mind is consumed with thoughts of nothing but returning to your true love again, feeling their gentle embrace and gazing into their eyes. Here’s the worst part – you cannot even sleep to numb the pain momentarily. Now imagine that fear of separation actually becomes a reality. Imagine you find yourself in Hell when you die and your Jesus, your savior, the lover of your soul, is nowhere to be found. You are in a loveless eternity, because in Hell, the presence of evil is not quite as disturbing as the absence of good (God). This scares me much more than some pesky flame that I cannot extinguish. The idea of being sans Jesus forever is much more than frightening. It’s excruciating, tormenting, a thirst that cannot be quenched by any worldly object or person, not that either of those things would be available to you in Hell anyway. I keep hearing the voice of that guy who announces movie trailers…”In a world without love, one man stood at the door and knocked, but no one listened. Now, they will have to live with the knowledge that while He walked amongst them, they chose to follow Fleetwood Mac and Not Jesus – they chose to ‘go their own way.’” I hate that guy and his crazy voice of doom, but seriously, he’s right. Love walks amongst us now, but not everyone will reap the benefits of that forever.

So what are we in the afterlife if not entangled in a passionate love affair? Well, Paul describes this scenario in 1 Corinthians 13: 1-3. “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.” In a loveless eternity, we are nothing and we gain nothing. I think this is the only thing that inspires in me the urge to share Christ with people. And I don’t mean to shove religion down their throats, but to share my Jesus with them. It’s about as close to evangelism as I get. I don’t have a desire to convert the world or win a million souls for Jesus. Maybe I should, but I don’t. When my heart breaks for non-believers, it’s because they don’t know my Jesus. They don’t know how much He loves them, how warm His hugs are and how sweet His kisses are. They don’t know what lengths He would (and did) go to for them, how wide His arms stretch, how ruthlessly He pursues them, and how long He would hang on a tree just to get their attention. If only they knew.

Lord, let them know. In your loudest, deepest movie trailer voice, speak to them and say, “In a world where love slept, one man came to awaken their senses.” Lord, awaken their senses. Let the burden of a loveless eternity be enough to scare the Hell out of them…and out of me and out of my friends and my family…and the people who work at the DMV, Michael Moore and Bill Maher, people with road rage, sports rage, and buyer’s remorse, terrorists, pessimists, and egoists, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, Oprah Winfrey and the homeless. Ah heck, scare the hell out of everyone!

Love 'em or leave 'em (and no, you can't kill 'em)

Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately and not just for obvious reasons. I’ve had the good fortune to witness both new relationships, exciting and hopeful, and relationships on the verge of failure, fighting for one last breath. And yes, I do consider it good fortune that I’ve been a party to both. It sounds strange, I know, but through both, I’ve been challenged to consider further this notion of true love (blegh). Just kidding. I would love to believe that love truly is terminal and that once you’ve found it, you never lose it, but let’s face it, love doesn’t always last. People fall in and out of love on a daily basis. It’s as fleeting as my lunch hour on a Monday. So if love is not enough to make a relationship last, what hope do we have? Let me start with a little definition (ok, a HUGE definition).

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 defines love like this: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

So basically, no one I know has ever been in love, because I have never in my life witnessed a love like this between two human beings, at least not 100% of the time. So maybe this love is not our love for each other, but the only one perfect love that exists – God’s love for us. God is the only one who has ever truly got it right. He knows what love is all about because He is the author of every love story and the singer of every love song. He loved first, He will love last, and every second in between will not just be sprinkled with His love, but flooded with His love for us. I am the one God loves. He’s pretty much nailed down what it means to be in love with us (no pun intended). We are the ones who need a little work in this area - at least I know I do - and that is why the issue has been hanging over my head lately like a ten-ton brick. How am I possibly going to know how to make my marriage work when I can barely remember to feed my cat every day? How do I survive those times in my marriage when my husband and I wonder if we married the wrong person? Those moments (perhaps even years at a time) when we both want out? Those days when I cannot even mutter the word love, let alone continue to feel it? How do I hang on to a commitment to honor and cherish when it feels like a commitment to an insane asylum?

I watched a movie last weekend called The Story of Us, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. The movie was about their marriage, from beginning to end. Of course, the first few years were nothing short of fulfilling, highlighting the births of their children, the purchase of their first home, and all those other warm, fuzzy moments we believe give life meaning. And they do. Then they hit the tough times and everything starts to crumble. They fight constantly, avoid dealing with each other’s feelings, and harbor resentment toward each other, which eventually leads to their decision to divorce. Years of doing “life” have worn them both out and they can do nothing but throw up their hands, call it a loss, and learn to accept the reality of their situation. What little love they had been clinging to had vanished and they believed the wounds were too deep to heal.

And there you have it folks, I believe THAT is a better representation of love than all those crazy fairy tale versions of it. I don’t expect some knight in shining armor to come sweep me off my feet (cause I’m pretty sure he’d just drop me on my head somewhere down the road anyway). I’m not waiting for Prince Charming to carry me off into the sunset (San Clemente is just fine). And I’m pretty confident that my days of being deemed “snow white” are long gone. So what is love then, if it isn’t pina coladas and getting caught in the rain? Mother Theresa said, “True love is love that causes us pain. That is why we must pray for the courage to love.” Ok, so it’s more along the lines of having a route canal. So what I really need is courage? I’ll work on that one. In the meantime, back to God’s perfect love for us and the problem I have with it…

If God’s love is so perfect and so unfailing and so trustworthy, why does it feel so non-existent sometimes, or even worse, painful, confusing and fleeting? Why is it often frustrating, rather than comforting? Simply stated, why don’t we feel loved all the time if He loves us so much? Here’s a verse that I think is supposed to shed some light on the matter, but offers no real comfort to me (sorry, it’s true). 1 Corinthians 13:12 (yes, the same chapter I alluded to earlier, all about God’s perfect love for us). “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” So basically, it’s another one of those irritating references to the “big picture.” It’s supposed to remind us to be still, to trust in God’s greater plan, to continue to believe in His plans for us. Today we see dimly – someday it’ll all make sense – yada yada yada! I want answers and I want them NOW!!! But I digress. God’s word is trustworthy and His love even more so.

So where do we go from here? Are you ready for this? I’m actually going to try to tie it all together now (God’s love and our worldly love). In The Story of Us, Bruce and Michelle pick us their children at summer camp and are ready to sit them down and share their decision to divorce. Bruce does some stupid dance that embarrasses his son and all at once, Michelle realizes what her marriage is truly all about. She sees every moment they’ve shared, good and bad, every up and every down, every fight and every hug and she is overcome with emotion…and yes, love. You see, the only way I can accurately define love is “history.” And history encompasses everything. It’s the anniversaries and the silent treatments. It’s the candlelight dinners and the TV dinners. It’s the intimate moments we cherish and the pet peeves that drive us crazy. It’s the late night talks and the miscommunications. It’s everything. And if history really repeats itself, then we can expect more of the same for the rest of our lives. We will fight and make up; we will doubt and question; we will cry and laugh, but whatever we do, we should do it together, because that is what love is about. My relationship with God is no different. I cannot simply believe He does not love me because I don’t always feel loved. I have a history with God and that is what keeps me hanging on. They aren’t always fond memories, but they are memories nonetheless. My commitments in this life are pretty pathetic. My relationships with my family and friends, my interests and hobbies, my career path - all of those things are fleeting, but God’s commitment to me is everlasting. It’s solid ground, so try as I may to run from love, it just keeps finding me again. Damn it, I hate that! It’s like being the main character in a neverending novel. I can’t choose to opt out; I’m stuck in it until the very last page is turned and I don’t get to choose the ending either. All I can do is sit tight and go along for the ride.

There’s a poem called “Tonight I Can Write” by Pablo Neruda that always haunts me. He cries out, “Love is so short. Forgetting is so long.” Doesn’t it seem like those moments in which we actually feel loved by God seem to last about as long as a sneeze, but the time we spend longing for that love again seems to last an eternity? And THAT is history…remembering where we’ve been and looking forward to where we’re going…together!

Lord, love my friends and family and help them love each other. Give them the courage to love and the strength to hang on when they don’t. Give them all an A+ in history and an F- in recess. Chain them when they feel like running and unchain them when they feel like dancing. Help them all to stop looking for the perfect love and realize that they already have it. And when they are struggling to make their commitments work…Breathe for them when they feel they can’t take another breath, speak through them when they have nothing left to say, lead them when they’ve lost their way, and sing to them when the music fades.

Up the hill

I walked a mile down the hill,
Far from the tree, far from your will.

I shed this skin, a broken reed,
And donned a mask that would not bleed.

I walked a mile to the shore,
Proclaiming riches, shunning poor.

I chose my course and would not shift,
I raised the sails and set adrift.

A wayward wanderer, tossed about,
Filled with fear, consumed by doubt.

In spite of you, I stifled pleas.
In spite of me, you calmed the seas.

This broken spirit, prone to roam,
You gently lifted and carried home.

With wounded pride, back on dry land,
I changed my course and took your hand.

I walked a mile up the hill,
So much in need and bleeding still.

And in that place where we oft we meet,
I laid my burdens at your feet.

Now when my heart begins to stray,
Back down the hill and far away,
Tethered to this tree, I’ll pray,
Sweet Jesus, help me find my way.

A Nursery Rhyme and a Mercy Rhyme

A Nursery Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

A Mercy Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up a hill to empty out their pails. Jack was crowned and Jill was found beneath the thorns and nails.

I've got your "joy, joy, joy" right here!

You know those Christians who seem to be at peace with every circumstance that comes their way? The ones who boast the “peace of God” in the midst of a challenging situation? The ones who really have figured out what it means to “consider it pure joy they face trials of many kinds?” You know the type – the ones with the joy, joy, joy, down in their hearts? Blegh! I love them dearly, but I’m not particularly fond of them sometimes. I actually heard someone say recently that those people are “walking in the light,” as all Christians should. They implied that their peace and joy in the midst of trials was a true testimony to their strong faith and I had to object (cause that’s just how I am – I think we should rattle the cage every now and again). I would never go so far as to say that they are not genuine in their state of mind. I am certain they do feel God’s peace and are truly content. I’d even suggest that their faith is strong during those moments, because to deny that would be extremely judgmental and I’m sure everyone knows that I rarely rush to judgment (hehehe). What I do take objection to is the idea that THEY are the ones who walk in the light and the rest of us slackers need to pick up the pace. Ok, so maybe they didn’t use those words, but the implication was there. At the very least, I think the idea is worthy of closer examination.

Somewhere in the course of the conversation, the statement was made that Christians who have figured out how to find that joy in the midst of suffering are a pleasure to be around, that their joy sometimes rubs off on us when we aren’t so “chipper,” and that they are positive examples for our faith. A little background info…we had been previously discussing how our complaining and arguing during times of tribulation is sinful and how it can corrupt and compromise the faith of others (people who witness our temper tantrums). Then the conversation rolled around to how joyful Christians actually encourage our faith, not compromise it. So, me being me, I was forced to share my discomfort with the idea and assert that most often when I encounter Christians who appear to be joyful all the time, my faith is frustrated more than it is encouraged. There’s this nagging inside me that taunts, “No one is happy all the time, especially not when we’re struggling with some test of our faith.” And again I say, I’m not assuming their emotions are ingenuine; I’m only dispelling my reaction to their emotions.

Ok, so if you believe God in 1 Samuel 16:7 when He says, “Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart,” then isn’t it possible our definitions of joy and peace might be a little one-sided? I mean, we’ve decided that when someone is suffering and they appear to be happy, they must really be trusting God. They must be very confident in their faith. But truly, only God knows their hearts and where they stand in relation to Him. So why would I model my own faith after someone else’s reaction to struggles if I don’t know what lies beyond the surface? I’d rather rely on what I know to be true, not what I assume to be true. And this much I know…I know that God made us all different, with different reactions and different emotions and different approaches to life. And I believe He did that intentionally, to encourage us to spend time getting to know each other. We don’t fit a mold and I think that’s the beauty of fellowship – to discover what is unique in each of us and celebrate it. I mean honestly, even Jesus wasn’t walking around singing, “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy down in my heart” at every minute, every day. He grieved. He was ambivalent, nonchalant, and even angry at times. But that is what attracted people to Him, his ability to reach different people on different levels.

So is it possible for me to actually compromise someone else’s faith? Hmmm…gonna go with ABSOLUTELY on this one! The minute I stop acknowledging that I need Jesus to help me through; I have truly misrepresented my God. When I’m going through some test or trial and I feel the need to complain or argue, where exactly is my focus? If every trial is from God and I’m complaining about my trials, then aren’t I complaining about God? Am I showing an unbelieving world that God is a mean, mean Grinch who seeks to hurt me as often as possible? Or am I complaining to God and asking Him for guidance? Am I trusting in His goodness and His plans for me? (Don’t I always seem to bring it back to this?) I guess what really feels unsettling is why I run to everyone else to validate my frustration. I complain because I want someone to acknowledge that I am justified in feeling wronged. I want support in my anger and the truth is that most often, it isn’t worthy of validation. And what I should be doing is running to God for comfort. WHY DO I DO THAT? When something wonderful happens to me, I call the one person I know will share in my excitement. And when I’m hurting, I call the one person who knows how to comfort and encourage me. Why is that one person rarely God? If I believed in His love for me, He would be my “one and only.” He would be the one I run to and the result of that intimacy would be genuine, uncompromised faith - trust in the middle of trials.

1 Timothy 4:4-5 says, “For everything God Created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.” Now there’s a thought. That means, even the trials and tests and suffering are good, because they are from God. I guess it’s all in the perspective. If everything God creates is good, then those circumstances I complain about are actually meant for good. So I should be receiving them with thanksgiving, because ultimately, my faith will be strengthened and God will prove Himself faithful once again. Wow, if only I lived that way on a consistent basis. God would truly be my one and only. But I digress; my faithless heart leads me astray.

We are all going to experience pain and suffering. Some of us will appear at peace in the midst of it. Some of us will appear to be crumbling under the weight of our circumstances. Some of us will appear unphased. Aren't appearances deceiving? So is it our shiny, happy, smiling faces during these times that matter or is it where we stand in relation to God? Am I turning my back on Him or am I running to Him? Can I rejoice in His love and faithfulness without rejoicing in my circumstances? I mean really, if He’s testing me, at least He hasn’t forgotten about me. One final thought. When our faith is tested and we “pass” the test by continuing to trust in God, our faith is proven. So really, it’s His continual faithfulness to us that lends credibility to our faith. Hmmm…God is good.

God be my God, my one and only. Take the place of all those things I turn to for comfort (even the mall). Let my wandering heart find its way back home. Help me to rejoice in your love. When all around has fallen, let your loving arms uplift me. Help me not to compromise the faith of another by failing to run to you. And please, oh please, do the same for my friends.

Is their life beyond the red letters?

One of the women in my Bible Study was sharing an experience she had in Mongolia last year. She was on a missions trip and was instructed to meet with a group of women every day for one week straight to share the gospel message and hopefully lead them to salvation through Christ. This was her first missions trip and there was a huge language barrier, so to say she was slightly intimidated is a huge understatement. She prayed for God to give her the words to reach these women. At first, they seemed very disinterested, as if they were there out of obligation and not because they wanted to be. They were very distant and paid little attention to her as she spoke. Again, she was apprehensive and cried out to God. On the last day of the trip, she set aside the agenda given to her and began to share some very intimate glimpses into her life. She told the women of her husband’s recent infidelity with his secretary (they worked at a church together), his lack of interest in their marriage, and ultimate decision to leave her. She fought back tears as she related her feelings about the situation – her fears and her sadness – and struggled to maintain composure. She had a difficult time deciding just how much, if any, of the story to share, but felt God had led her to divulge to these women. And so she did. And a group of 15 women who had previously maintained a cold distance between themselves and her, suddenly changed. They literally shifted their chairs closer to her, forming a tight circle and stared intently, hanging on every word. At the close of the evening, they thanked her for sharing and immediately left the study. They returned several hours later with gifts they had purchased in the local shops and those who had no money actually went home to find some small token of their appreciation for her honesty. She had finally reached them, on the last night, in the eleventh hour. As she shared this experience with the women of our Bible Study, she added that many of them chose to give their lives to God that week and gave God the glory for strengthening her through this test of faith.

So as I pondered this experience, the same theme kept ringing in my mind. Is it possible to share the gospel without sharing the actual word of God? Can we share the gospel through our struggles – our thoughts, feelings, emotions and weaknesses? By just relating to someone and meeting them on their level? By being genuine and open and sharing our life experiences with them? So often when we are approaching non-believers, we go straight to the Bible - which isn’t necessarily a bad thing - but seem to miss out on something in the process. The protestors at the abortion clinics dispel the word of God to broken, lost souls who may need a friend more than a pamphlet telling them when a fetus becomes a human being. Sometimes an alcoholic may need a ride home more than the scriptural foundation for why drunkenness is a sin. And maybe sometimes it’s more important to try to understand why someone of another faith has chosen their belief system rather than convince them ours is the ‘right’ way. If we truly believe God has the power to save souls, maybe we should take an active interest in the lives of others, instead of trying to get them interested in what we believe. I think we can SHOW them God’s love on occasion. You know, focus on the works of God and not necessarily the words of God. Of course, every situation is different and calls for a different course of action (or reaction or no action). But I believe that’s what following Christ is all about. I mean, can we really decide how to approach someone or learn to relate to them if we haven’t taken the time to listen to them? You probably wouldn’t spend three hours sharing how pleased you are with the outcome of the latest election to a friend who lives in a communist nation. And I’d venture to guess you wouldn’t brag about your shiny, new Mazarati to the child you sponsor in a third world country. Christ met his followers on THEIR level – heard the cries of their hearts – and addressed them accordingly.

I think sharing the cry of our hearts and the touch of our hands and the warmth of our shoulders may be received a lot better in certain situations than reciting scripture verbatim. Don’t the red letters scream at all of us, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest?” They don’t necessarily admonish us to, “Read this to everyone you encounter who does not believe and all good things will be yours.” They offer comfort and a soft place to land, not always a jumping off point. Lead them to Jesus and He will speak. How we lead them to Jesus is where God’s discernment comes in. Do we share the Bible alone or do we share ourselves and how the word of God has changed us? Sometimes I get so exhausted in my own ‘walk’ with God and have nothing leftover to share anyway. Nichole Nordeman wrote a song describing the conflict between how perfect we strive to be for God and how short we fall. The chorus sings to us all that we can never be good enough, but God takes us as we are because He is the only one who can. There is one line that I love that really hits home for me. “At the end of myself, at the end of the day, I can find little else but the courage to say, ‘I need you, that’s all.’” Yep, that’s pretty much it for me. Sometimes it’s hard for us to muster up enough energy to keep believing ourselves, let alone try to find the right words to help someone else climb aboard the God train. So in those times, maybe sharing ourselves, our struggle and our human weakness is just as appropriate as sharing the word of God.

I’ll leave you with this…isn’t it our humanity that points to God’s divinity? Just a thought.

Can I get a witness?

I’ve been mulling over this whole idea of “blowing our witness” for God. I recently heard a woman discussing her son’s downward spiral of adultery, lies and complacence toward God. She alluded to the fact that through his actions (leaving his family and choosing to move in with another woman, outside of marriage), he had blown his witness. This grieved her terribly and it made me begin to question what exactly it is that we find so discomforting during these times. More specifically, what does it really mean to “blow our witness?”

If my witness is blown every time I sin, I am in serious trouble. I think if we try to approach the issue in terms of identifying and overcoming our sin, we become more like defendants than witnesses. We are looking for ways to justify our actions or at the very least, to explain them to an accusing world. Webster defines a witness as ‘one that gives evidence’ or ‘one who has personal knowledge of something.’ So what is it that we are called to bear witness to? What evidence are we to share as Christ-followers? If my witness is solely based on my sin, I’m defeated before I’ve even opened my mouth. I don’t need to testify about my sin; my actions speak loud enough. The evidence of my sin is pretty much laid out there for all to see and believe me, if I don’t put it out there, someone will find it sooner or later anyway (a former pastor likes to call these people ‘sin sniffers’).

So if my sin is not the be all and end all, what is this personal knowledge of which I am to bear witness? Could it be…God’s love and grace? Ok, so perhaps I am supposed to divulge my sin (maybe not all the gory details, but some allusion to the fact that I’m not perfect), but in so doing, do I not also express my need for Jesus? I think the greater witness is not that I’m fatally flawed, but that God is not and in my imperfection, my need for His love and grace prevails. So I pose this question to all of you and hope you’ll toss it around a little bit. Do we blow our witness by sinning or by failing to recognize and admit that we need Jesus? I suppose the two are somewhat interchangeable. It’s pretty inevitable that I will sin, but I think that to do so without simultaneously crying out to God for help would be a greater detriment to myself and again, send me right back to the defendant’s chair. No thanks, I’d rather be a witness to God’s love and grace, not a defendant fending off blows. So my prayer for all of you today is that you truly don’t blow your witness. We stand adored, not accused. Cry out to Him, fall down before Him, and never stop needing Him.

More than a feeling

I began a six-week Bible study last Tuesday night and I think I’m kind of enjoying it. It’s pretty much the same as all the other Bible studies I’ve done – pretty basic stuff you learn early on – but basic is exactly what I need right now. I have a difficult time in women’s studies, because they sometimes feel very insincere and “plastic” (sorry, they do). It often feels like we claim to believe everything we’re “supposed” to believe, and sometimes, the reality of our faith falls through the cracks. I’ll explain. It seems to me that we excel at vocalizing our faith in God, but fail to vocalize those things we believe we shouldn’t feel as Christians. You know, the fact that we don’t always trust God; we don’t always believe He cares for us, and sometimes we believe He’s just plain mean. The warm, fuzzy things are easy to claim, but the negative feelings toward God that often overwhelm us get swept under the rug. So as I listened to the women in my group share their desire to trust God and to rely on His promises and to believe He has their best interests at heart, I came to a sudden realization that rattled me a little and yet, gave me an astounding hope I haven’t had in a really long time. Here it is kids…faith is not a feeling – at least not for me.

My Tuesday night study is on “The Testing of Your Faith.” We spent the first week sharing the times in our lives when our faith was tested and how we responded to the test. Nothing really struck me as new revelation; I felt like I had heard it all before. We’ve all been tested; we’ve probably all felt the same anger, resentment, hurt, frustration and depression during those times. Some of us have probably been fortunate enough to have found peace – through God – in the midst of it. Me? Not so much. Well, I’m sure I’ve had peace at some point during a struggle, but I probably attributed it to something or someone other than God and I think my definition of peace is probably skewed also. This week in my group, we explored the testing of our faith a little deeper and I was actually enlightened and consequently, encouraged. Somewhere in the midst of discussing what we believe – or better yet, what we fail to believe – when we’re tested, this idea of faith not being based solely on feelings crept up on me slowly and the longer I let it sink in, the more encouraged I felt.

I’m speaking only for myself when I say that faith is more often a choice than a feeling. When I’m burdened by some event or series of events, I stop believing. I don’t stop believing in God, but I stop believing that He cares for me and I stop believing in His promises. And that is an even more dangerous place to be. As a daughter cries to her father when she isn’t getting her way, “You don’t love me!” Such is my relationship with God. So I have to ask myself, “Am I going to wait for the warm, fuzzy feelings towards God to return, or am I going to choose to believe that He knows what’s best for me?” Faith is not a feeling; faith is a choice. When someone wrongs me and I confess to forgive them, I don’t always instantly feel forgiveness in such a way that I am able to forget the pain they’ve caused. Forgiveness is a choice. I choose to forgive and hope that trust will be re-built and the pain will soon diminish.

My feelings are very deceiving at times. The idea that I don’t need to rely on them when I’m being tested is actually quite comforting. When times are tough, I can choose to believe God cares for me and then rest on the hope that everything will work out for the best and I will be ok. I don’t mean to minimize the pain and suffering we feel when we’re being tested, but to shift the focus from my feelings to my response to those feelings seems to lift a burden off me I haven’t been able to shake in quite some time.

In 1 Thessalonians 2:4, Paul tells the church at Thessalonica, “We speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.” Wow! When God is testing our faith, He is actually testing our hearts. You mean, He may actually be more concerned about the condition of my heart than the actual circumstances I am trying to overcome? So when I’m tested, is my heart crying out for God or is it shutting down to Him and everyone else around me? Hmmm…do I really need to answer that one? It’s the difference between viewing God as the cause of my suffering and viewing Him as my ally and my friend, the one who will carry me through my suffering. Do I need Him or am I blaming Him?

Jesus asks Peter in Matthew 16:15, “Who do you say I am?” Is it possible when God is testing me that He is asking me the same question? How I am feeling about my present situation may matter much less at that moment than what I believe about God. Do I believe He is showing up in the midst of my pain? Do I believe He loves me? Or do I believe He has left the building? I guess a more appropriate question for me now is will I choose to believe He loves me or will I choose to believe He has failed me? I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes the blame game feels more vindicating when we’re hurting, but it isn’t always about feelings, is it? And again I cry, “Father, where else am I to go? This world has nothing for me.”

Ok, so maybe this all seems very elementary, but frankly, I’ve always been too consumed by my feelings to look beyond them. And I truly believe that this time, it is God who is opening my eyes. And the beauty of it all is this: once again, for the first time in, oh, let’s say…forever, my response to this “discipline” was to utter, “I love you, Lord. Maybe not as perfectly as I should, but I really do love you.” And I did. This morning on my way to work, I actually felt led to cry out to God and I still do.

Artist Lenny Bruce said, “There is no ‘what should be,’ there is only what is.” Is it possible for us to forget the ‘what should be’ moments long enough to recognize the ‘what is’ in our lives? My ‘should be’ moments are usually characterized by an internal struggle with my emotions. I am attempting to sort out my emotions long enough to make sense of the situation and feel okay with it. But a ‘what is’ moment is not based on feeling okay with anything. My God says to be still and know that He is God. Knowledge is a product of our minds, not necessarily our hearts, which is where our feelings dwell. So what if, when my faith is being tested, I could do just that? I could simply be still and know, beyond all comprehension, that He is not just God, but He is my God and He cares for me deeply.

So who do you say that He is? Is He your creator? Is he your comforter? Is He your savior? And most importantly, is He your friend? Lord, help me to see beyond my complex feelings to the simple truth. Help me to be still and know.

Ask and you shall be further confused

So I’ve been feeling very hypocritical lately. I read some of the things I’ve written and I think, “I don’t really feel that way”, or “That’s not what I truly believe.” A lot of it reads as if I’m in complete agony and despair and trust me, I’m not. I feel as if I’m dispelling someone else’s truth and that bothers me. If I’m going to write with passion, I want to feel truly connected to my words and know that they are an accurate picture of where I am at, not just a way to connect with others. So after weeks of introspect and soul searching, I think I’ve got a clearer picture of where I stand in relation to God.

I got rear ended on the freeway about 2 weeks ago and I haven’t felt much like writing in quite some time. My car is pretty much totaled, my neck is severely sprained (so says my chiropractor), as is my back, and I’m terrified of driving. Here’s the strange part. Maybe I’m not coping, but I feel nothing (short of a pain in my neck). I’m basically numb. This strikes me as quite odd, considering that I – a girl who wears band-aids just for attention – am usually quite content to play the “woe is me” game with anyone who’ll listen. I really didn’t share the accident with the masses the way I usually do, but those who did find out had some words of comfort to offer. Apparently, God is not punishing me. God did not cause this to happen, nor does He wish me to suffer. God was not responsible for my car accident, the $9,000 damage to my car or the injuries that are healing slowly. God seems to have been looking the other way. And so I wonder…if every good and perfect gift is from above, if all good things are from God, if the slightest miracle produces a “To God be the glory” from the crowd…why then, are the bad things not from Him also? Doesn’t the sun shine on us all and the rain fall on us all? Didn’t God create them both? It seems to be that if He is to thank for every good blessing we get, He should take every bad thing that comes our way too. And what has really been eating away at me is this – who cares if the bad stuff is from Him? Is He wrong to discipline me out of love? Is he wrong to let bad stuff happen to me so that I might be strengthened by it? I’m not even sure if that’s what’s going on here, because what I’m really feeling is numb. I don’t feel persecuted, punished, picked on, or hard-pressed, but I don’t feel blessed either.

Sometimes faith feels like a game, and we are perpetual losers until the game ends. When this life is over, we win. We get to rest in the presence of God forever. I do believe that. I believe He is our creator and the creator of everything under the sun. It’s the life experiences I have a hard time with. Lately I’ve been feeling as if God is hardly concerned with what happens to us, but greatly concerned about where we stand in relation to Him. Everything under the sun is meaningless, right? Life is a series of random events, things we have little control over. The only things I feel I can control are my feelings toward Him. And frankly, I’m pretty tired of feeling numb. I’d like to get back to that place of wonder that I know I have been at before. I want to be closer to my Jesus. I want a happy medium between the anger I used to feel and the numbness I feel now. I want (yes, I’m gonna say it), I want a healthy balance. I think it’s possible the message of Christianity has been both over saturated and oversimplified. The salvation message is about as simple as it gets. You either believe it and live forever or you don’t and spend an eternity sans Jesus. There is no you in matters of salvation; there is only Christ crucified. But as far as all the other tenets of faith are concerned, I just don’t believe it’s that easy, and at this stage in the game, I’m not sure God intended it to be easy. And truly, I DON’T WANT IT TO BE THAT EASY.

I don’t want to be a neurotic crazy lady standing in the streets screaming, “Why, Why? Oh, the horror!” But I think confusion is the journey, the relationship. God is an enigma and if He were not, why would we have a need to pursue Him? It’s His mystery that keeps me yearning to know Him more. So I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want from my faith and here it is, plain and simple. I want to be confused. I want to be challenged. I want to be asked the tough questions I’d prefer to put out of my mind. I want to dive into the dangerous subjects I try tirelessly to dance around. I want to struggle with my sin and feel convicted, which I haven’t in a really long time. I don’t want to have all the answers, but I sure as Hell want to discuss the questions ad nauseum. When Jesus spoke, a lot of people were confused, but didn’t that make them pursue Him more? Didn’t they want desperately to understand Him? So let me be perfectly clear. MY wants are not for everyone. There are countless people who want nothing short of simplicity and that’s fine, but that’s not my cup of tea.

You see, a lot of people are driven by emotion and for them, I think faith is probably not a stretch, but I’m not one of those people. I don’t stand beneath the cross and shudder, because I’m pretty far removed from my emotions most of the time. The cross feels quite fictional to me about 98% of the time. I am very analytical. I love a good debate. I don’t want to accept anything at face value. I am driven by reason and logic and let’s be honest, there is nothing logical about Christianity! It doesn’t make sense; God doesn’t make sense. So what do I do without blind faith and without reason to rest on? How do I get to the hope when I want desperately for it to make sense first?

I’ve been wrestling with this notion of entering Heaven as a child. What does that mean? I think I’ve always believed it to mean, well, basically, dumb ourselves down. We should stop doubting and running and questioning and just accept that what He says is true because He is the parent and He said so! I don’t believe that anymore. Children are not dumb; they are inquisitive and I think that is what God intended. Haven’t you ever listened to a child who is just beginning to discover that there is a world around them? “Why is the sky blue? Where do babies come from? Why do birds fly? Why can’t I have everything I want?” They want it all to make sense. They want to understand where they fit into the puzzle. They want to know there is a reason for it all. And what do parents want? They don’t want their children to have all the answers. They want them, above all else, to know that they are loved. Isn’t that what God wants for us? I think we are to enter Heaven as children, not dumb and blindly trusting, but adoring Jesus and being adored by Him. It isn’t the questions that matter, nor is it the answers. That stuff is meaningless. What matters is that we seek Him. That we come to Him. That we spend a lifetime longing for someone who is somewhat of an enigma. And I want that again. When I have children of my own, I don’t want them to go to church to learn what they should believe or how they should live their lives. I want them to learn that they have a Jesus and that He doesn’t always make sense, but that’s what makes Him fun and exciting.

I think God has me exactly where He wants me and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I may never FEEL moved again, but that’s ok. Honestly, I think God knows me pretty well. He knows I thrive on chaos and confusion. He knows I love to challenge everything and make waves. He knows I live for the journey, not the destination. He knows I love the downs sometimes more than the ups and the lows sometimes more than the highs. And He knows that I will always come home to Him, no matter where my feeble mind leads me. And now I’ll tell you what I know. I know there are no other arms that could stretch wide enough to cover my failures. I know there is no one here on Earth who will never fail me. I know there was no greater sacrifice and there never will be. And I know that He loves me and that’s ok, at least for now.

Oh, one more thing. As far as my accident was concerned. I think I’m done with “some way” prayers. No more, “God, if there is some way you can help me out of this one, some way you could make this happen for me, some way you could fix this, confirm this or shut the door on this one, some way….” Perhaps I should’ve been more specific.

May God confuse you all so you'll never stop seeking!

Shades of gray

There are a lot of things about this Christianity business that don’t quite sit well with my soul. I wish I could say I believed with every fiber of my being that the Bible meant EXACTLY what it says, and I will gladly profess to believe that, but deep down, I have too many doubts to feel confident in that belief. I’m just not sure if the God of the Bible is as black and white as many Christians claim He is. I think He is definitely firm about the Calvary road and our hope for salvation, but as far as the non-essentials of the faith go, sometimes I think He’s messin’ with us! Let me first state that the thoughts that rattle around in this feeble mind of mine are just that – thoughts and most often, doubts that I love to toss out there into the great unknown. Add to that the rebellious spirit within me and the weird fascination I have with conflict and chaos, and I’m pretty much nothing but trouble. Basically, don’t take offense; I’m just expressing a feeling that is in no way carved in stone. Alrighty then…

I think it’s possible that God may be a lot less concerned about the sins we do (and do not) commit here on Earth and a lot more concerned about how we deal with people – the ones who agree with our philosophies and the ones who march to a different beat. In the end, I believe what we did FOR God will matter much less than what we did WITH those we came in contact with. And by what we did, I don’t mean all the fabulous sacrifices we made, the lavish gifts we gave or the profound wisdom we offered in their time of need. I mean, the way we related to them, the grace we extended, the love and mercy and understanding we attempted to extend. Do we really try to express God’s love or do we use it to guilt them into buying into our agenda? Do we accept them as children who hurt and act out of that hurt or do we fault them for their shortcomings, differing opinions and non-conformity?

Ok, so maybe it’s not the best movie in the world, but I’m actually going to use the movie Saved to illustrate this point. If you can get past how inappropriate you may believe the movie is, you may discover that there’s truth beneath the humor. Perhaps that may be why so many people find it offensive. In one scene, the main character, Hillary, throws her Bible at a former friend and screams, “You are backsliding into the gates of Hell. I am filled with Christ’s love.” Come on now, look beyond the blatant and pointed attack on super-religious Christians and try to see for just one moment, what struck ME about this scene. One thought screamed at me over and over again as I watched this scene unfold. God’s word, the Bible, is a love story. Jesus is the love song God sings to each one of us. And Hillary’s friend sums it up perfectly in her response, “THIS (the Bible) is not a weapon.” Do I use the Bible as a weapon to alienate non-believers and condemn believers or do I read it as the love story I believe God intended it to be, a love story written just for me?

Ok, movie reference #2…in Pleasantville, the town is in an uproar when their black and white existence is threatened by splashes of color. Things begin to change and their lives can no longer be contained within the neatly packaged box they’ve lived in for years. When change threatens to disrupt familiarity, chaos ensues. The possibility of anything unexpected and unfamiliar is simply frightening and must be stopped. Here’s what I see as the beauty in the story (and again, my favorite scene). The people of Pleasantville have read the same books for years and know exactly what to expect. When this sudden change begins to take shape and life as they know it, is altered, the pages of the books are suddenly blank. As they listen intently to the main character tell stories out loud - stories many of them have never heard - the words begin to appear on the pages. The story writes itself as it is told. What I love about this picture is that it begins with a blank slate. No one knows what to expect until the story unfolds and while some of them find this disturbing, others are somewhat intrigued. There is no mandate on where the road should lead or how they must respond. They are left with nothing but a desire to relate to one another, to share and to discover, together, what the next page will bring. I think our faith is much like this. God did not intend our lives to be lived in black and white, always knowing what lies ahead, what behavior is “appropriate” and what rules will best satisfy our every need. I believe He intends us to write the story together. As the final line in Saved states, “What would Jesus do? I don’t really know, but I think the goal is for us to try to figure it out together.”

I’m not saying that none of us should follow the guidelines God has clearly communicated to us through the Bible and divine revelation. I am simply asserting that sometimes, maybe following the rules is not as important as letting the road take us into unfamiliar territory. Isn’t life a journey, after all? And I do believe God is ok with that. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that we can freely disregard God’s word to suit our needs, but rather, overcoming our “shoulds” and “ought tos” to suit the needs of another. Imagine the possibilities if just once, we put our own ideals and opinions aside long enough to listen to those of someone else, to HEAR what they are saying, understand their heart’s cry, and be what they need us to be at that moment, despite what we feel we should be or should say or even what we THINK they need. I think the only one who truly knows what we need is God and he deals with me in the most precious and unimaginable way possible, he loves me, regardless of my faults, in the absence of my desire to be faultless and with the gentle touch of someone who truly “gets” me. I think instead of trying to get everyone saved, we should get them all loved and let God do the saving. When I read the Bible, I usually pray first, “Speak to me, God.” I think now I’ll pray, “Sing to me, Jesus, the love song I so desperately need to hear, and let me sing it to others when they forget the tune.”

God’s love to you all!

Are you there God? It's me, Julie.

Is it possible to feel close to God in the absence of a horribly tragic experience? I have not felt close to Him in a very long time and I take full responsibility. I haven’t spoken to Him or cried out to Him or (God forbid) even needed Him for quite some time. But what I’ve noticed is that the times I need Him and cry out to Him are the times I am most vulnerable, the times I am going through some sort of turmoil or suffering some sort of loss. I need Him desperately in those moments and in the “in-between” times, I am ambivalent. This troubles me and I wonder – can I feel that closeness with God that I long for when things are going ok for me or do I have to feel pain to come to Him on a daily basis? I guess pain develops in me that longing for the comfort of God’s healing touch, of intimate belonging, or reliance on His strength. I guess what I really want is to feel that longing without having to suffer great pain, without having a need so overwhelming I have no choice but to need and cry out to God.

Is it awful to say that I don’t need God right now? Will He send tragedy my way so that I will need Him? Is His heart breaking because I have barely acknowledged His existence lately? I’m not sure we can actually break God’s heart. I have a very good friend that I only speak to once in a blue moon. My heart does not break when I don’t hear from her for a while, but when she does call, I am more than elated to hear her voice. My personal belief is that this is how God views us. He loves us but He does not sit around in mourning when we don’t call. My unsettling struggle at the moment is that I don’t want to be in this situation any longer. I MISS GOD. I miss His friendship. I miss feeling connected to Him. I do believe we go through peaks and valleys in our “crawl” with the Lord, and thus breeds my curiosity – can I feel close to God in my ambivalence, when things are not spiraling out of control?

And now, I will cloud the issue further. Can God use me to confirm the faith of others despite my ambivalence? And at what cost? Can my words (despite the lack of feeling and faith behind them) be used to communicate God’s love even if I myself do not feel loved by God? Sometimes I feel as if I’m sacrificing my own relationship with God to ensure that others develop their relationships with Him. I speak faith very well, but it doesn’t seem to be active in my own life. I am preaching someone else’s experience and not my own. I believe that God loves me, but I have not felt changed by His love. I believe the events that were illustrated in The Passion of the Christ but I was not moved by them or brought to tears the way everyone around me was. My thought was, “Great movie, good fiction, very well done artistically.” God’s love and sacrifice seems so far removed, I cannot possibly allow it to stir in me a heartfelt response. I am deeply saddened by this and further frustrated when friends tell me they have seen a drastic change in me. How can I be changed if I don’t feel changed? I discussed this issue at length with some friends last night. Typically, the more I talk about my situation, the more clarity I have about what it is that makes me tick. I think it’s possible I discovered the underlying reason for my lack of passion in regards to my Heavenly Father. I have allowed the walls to crumble in numerous relationships with people I (thought I) loved and was betrayed time and time again. I would even go so far as to say that I chose intentionally NOT to sin in a particular area (hehe), despite my fears of abandonment, to honor God and yet, He still took from me something that I held very dear, something I believed was precious – at least at that time. I felt wronged by those relationships and even by God. Broken and hurt, I vowed somewhere along the line to never feel wronged again. I vowed to never feel ANYTHING remotely close to vulnerable, to steer clear of any sort of emotion that could potentially cause me pain. And now, it is nearly impossible to trust and believe in a loving God. Is there any greater loss than the potential loss of God’s love? It is so much safer to say that I believe in His furious love, but yet refuse to let it in far enough to move or change me. So I guess it isn’t so difficult to understand how a girl who claims to be a child of God can stand with Him and not be moved by Him. I’m just thankful He stands with me in the times I feel like running. But I’m still a bit dissatisfied. I’m a firm believer in exploring our past experiences to learn to recognize certain behaviors in our lives, but not to explain or excuse our actions as justifiable because of what we’ve been through. So now that I’ve shed some light on why I feel so ambivalent about God’s love, how do I put aside my fears and insecurities to allow His love to sink in?

Through the kind (and much needed) advice of a dear friend, I was gently reminded that maybe God needs to hear these thoughts that I’ve been having for so long. I was somewhat shaken when I realized that even though I’ve been feeling so distant from Him, it never once occurred to me to tell Him I feel distant, that I long to be brought near again, that I miss Him terribly. There is a line in a song by Lifehouse that has been reverberating in my mind endlessly these past few weeks. “How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?” Suddenly it dawned on me; the part I’ve been missing is standing with God. And I don’t mean fighting for Him, preaching His word or even vocalizing my faith. I mean standing still with Him, just being in His presence. Maybe a lengthy prayer isn’t necessary. Maybe a song of worship is too much. Maybe, just maybe, all that is needed is to remember He is there when I do feel needy.

God versus the HMO

HMO: You choose your provider (who must fall within the network).
GOD’S KINGDOM: Your provider chooses you.

HMO: If you go outside the network, you are no longer the responsibility of your provider.
GOD’S KINGDOM: If you go outside the network, your provider will go after you.

HMO: Monthly contributions ensure your future.
GOD’S KINGDOM: A one-time contribution ensures your future.

HMO: There is a limit to the quality of care you receive.
GOD’S KINGDOM: God’s love knows no boundaries.

HMO: You cannot be accepted with a pre-existing condition.
GOD’S KINGDOM: You were accepted with a pre-existing condition.

Free at last!

“I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plains, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.
Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

To celebrate Independence Day, I’d like to take a moment to reflect upon my total dependence upon God and just what that entails. You see, I have this account in the First Bank of God. It was opened years ago, when I first became aware of my need for a savior. On that day (which I think was actually while I was still in the womb), a piggy bank appeared on my dresser. God made a deposit. His son died and my account was full (of grace, of salvation, of eternal life, of faith…shall I go on???). From that moment on, I began the long, arduous task of relying on the grace of God and living in need of Him. Believe me, this is no small feat. It is difficult to live in need of a savior, but woe to the person who thinks he can make it on his own! I may not be a confessed alcoholic, but I’m perfectly content to practice step 10 at all times. “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” Let me shed a little light on this one. It is extremely important to live in a constant awareness of our actions and our thoughts and to be willing to admit that they are not above reproach, but I think the most important part of this step is a word most people would fly right by – promptly. I’ve tried to make light of my sins, hide them from God, or pretend they weren’t really THAT bad. Oh, but they were (and are). In the matter of coming clean before God, why wait? “What’s the rush?” you ask. The faster I get to the cross to lay it all down, the faster His grace flows. You know what I find truly amazing? There is never a line at the First Bank of God…and there’s only one teller!

Though the deposit God made was a one-shot deal, my account never seems to be diminishing. I make withdrawals on a daily basis and in my piggy bank are thousands upon thousands of little slips that read, “IOU.” Of course I realize I cannot possibly pay God back all He has given me, but you get the idea, right? The piggy bank is always full. And the beauty of the whole scenario is this: There will come a day when my piggy bank will be cracked open, all those little slips of paper will be gone, and the only thing that will remain inside is that one initial deposit God made.

P.S. I read a lot of scripture now that I’ve read a hundred times before, but little words jump out at me that just knock me on my @#%! I love this one...

ROMANS 12:3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

Remember ~ it’s a gift! I am not an amazing woman of great faith; I am merely a child of God, blessed beyond belief.

Happy 4th of July! I’m off to the bank…