Thursday, February 22, 2018

Light A New Fire and Give Me Desire

I’m a terrible mother. No really, I am. I’m also a terrible wife. And a terrible friend for that matter. I try not to discriminate.  I’m pretty much failing miserably across the board. All I can really hope for these days is that I don’t ruin my children for all eternity, that somehow they will survive my shortcomings and failures and manage to become well-rounded, kind, and fully functional adults...or at the very least, decent human beings. And maybe, if I’m just lucky enough, my marriage will not only survive this phase I find myself stuck in but will actually emerge stronger and more fruitful at its cessation. Perhaps I’ll even get lucky enough to have a few of you still standing by my side when I finally grow up and get my head screwed on straight and my life back on track (God willing). I’m going to pause now to wait for all of you who are silly enough to call me your friend to reassure me that I am not at all any of the afore-mentioned things, that I am indeed, a good mother, wife and friend. Go ahead, chime right in. No? I thought not. Then I will indulge my sorrows a bit further and invite a few more guests to my pity party. Here comes the brutal honesty. Fasten your seatbelts. This one might not sit well with some of you.

I am the chief of sinners. As Timothy so eloquently penned, “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst.” And I do so often feel that I am and must indeed be, the worst of all sinners (insert a multitude of sins here, beginning with pride, ending with selfishness and basically everything in between). But I have decided it is futile to ask God to help me stop sinning or even to forgive me for my sins, although I do know I need copious amounts of forgiveness on a minute-to-minute basis. Make no mistake, I am aware that He desires us to seek forgiveness and I have many, many times in the past and will do so many, many times in the future, but what I genuinely crave and need above all else presently is simply, desire. I need a desire to turn away from my sinful desires, to choose the path less traveled, and to fulfill the roles God has called me to play in my life. I need a yearning to be a better version of myself - a better wife, mother and friend.  I need a longing to choose virtue over sin. You see, the desire to walk the straight and narrow has been replaced as of late with an insatiable impulse to run, to escape, to be anywhere other than where I am at this moment. Call it a mid-life crisis (that’s what I’ve been calling it). Call it restlessness, this uneasiness that consumes me, this feeling I can only describe as crawling out of my skin. Call it boredom. Call it whatever you’d like, but to deny its existence would be catastrophic at best, because these things do not just fade away. These feelings do not resolve themselves. I look at most of my friends and neighbors, the moms at the school, on the baseball field and at the Girl Scout meetings and think, why do they not feel the need to flee? Why are they perfectly content to volunteer, engage, encourage, cuddle and step up where it matters most? Why are they so firmly planted and engaged in their children's lives and in their marriages, to their friendships and families? Why do I always feel so distant and disconnected? Why does wanderlust consume me? Why am I constantly listening for the sound of a passing freight train to carry me far, far away? Why have I not settled into motherhood after all these years? Why, oh why, do I always seem to be the only one fighting vehemently to contain my tears on the sidelines of the soccer field, unable to fulfill my halftime duties of sliced oranges and water distribution?

I have many things at my disposal on a daily basis. I have plenty of guilt, shame and regret. I have exhaustion to boot. I have uncertainty at every turn, medication to stabilize my mood swings and counter the depression, and enough personalities to fill a large stadium. I have loads of heartache and suffering and an impressive accumulation of self-loathing that has been years in the making. I have disappointment and insurmountable feelings of inadequacy that tear through me like a hurricane. I have bitterness, insecurity and frustration. I have abandonment issues from childhood right up until today in my faith, or lack thereof.  And I have so much accumulated rage and bitterness that it frightens me to the core. My life is abundant with all things stifling and oppressive. What I don’t have enough of is the desire to shake the stagnancy and move beyond the pain. I need desire.

And so I am making myself a promise. I am vowing from this day forward, with the tiniest seeds of strength and hope that remain within me, to ask daily now for desire alone. And though I don’t fancy myself anything remotely close to a prayer warrior these days (in fact it takes everything within me to even acknowledge the existence of my faith sometimes), my soul will cry out for nothing more and nothing less than a shred of longing to start anew. I will seek a hunger to feel warmth and affection toward my children when my very core wars against it and I find myself kicking against the goads with every breath. Pause for effect here. Inhale, exhale, don’t freak out. I love my children with every fiber of my being. I would take the same bullet for them that any mother would. They have my heart and soul forever. And I know how painful it sounds to say that being their mom is not always enough and the feelings of affection don't always come naturally, but if I am nothing else, I am a truth teller who values authenticity above all else and I will be the first to admit that the struggle is real. I need the desire to put their needs above my own, the desire to sacrifice on their behalf. I need the desire to work as hard as it takes to survive this phase of life and come out clean on the other side. I need the desire to make my marriage work despite the fact that the flame might have waned a bit and we are indeed two ships passing in the night. It’s not personal. The love is there. We have a good marriage and a solid foundation. We are good friends, committed to forever. We are, simply put, over-committed, weary and missing the mark on far too many occasions. I need the desire to start fresh and move forward, to cling to the thread I am hanging by and stay the course, however obscure it may seem. I need my thirst for adventure to be replaced by a thirst for contentment. I need my instinct to run to be overshadowed by a love of the present and an appreciation of the power of mindfulness and intentionality. I need so many things, but I can gather them all under the blanket of desire. And so it begins.

I am confident of one thing alone. This storm will pass, as they always do. This hurricane will undoubtedly leave a wake, but will no doubt, flame out in due time. And when that time comes, I will welcome the next phase with open arms. When the apology tour has concluded, the tears have been bottled, and the seas have been calmed, I will lift my eyes heavenward and behold the beauty of a God who refuses to forsake me, a God who, in all things, works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I will say a silent prayer of gratitude to my savior for allowing me to feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it despite the grumblings and fear of those around me (I love you all dearly, but I do not need to be saved. That work was finished long ago as far as I know). I will weep tears of joy and relief that my God never allows me to fall too far from His grasp, too far from His loving arms, too far out of reach. Because just when I am certain I am beyond redemption and grace - at the very moment I am confident He cannot possibly continue to love me -  it is then that He carries me and calls me home. It is then that He rescues me and reveals Himself to me. It is then that He reclaims my heart and breathes grace back into my life. And it is then that my soul sings, "How great thou art."

Monday, August 14, 2017

Not for the Faint of Heart

Some people are afraid to be alone with their thoughts, afraid of what they might find in the dark places.  They’re afraid to face the pain and demons of their past, to hold the mirror and confront what lies behind and what lies ahead.  I’ve always celebrated the quiet times.  I thrive.  It’s been close to a year since I’ve put the pen to the paper (metaphorically) and alas, the time has come.

Fear not, dear friends, this is not a cry for help, just the honest musings of a girl unhinged. It’s time to tear down the walls and practice a bit of authenticity.  Some people are simply drawn to the beauty in the dark places and I have always fancied myself one of them.  I don’t long to dwell there, but appreciate the opportunity for growth that lies within.  I’m not the girl with a thousand Facebook friends, but the few friends I do have are there because we share a desire to scratch more than the surface, an understanding that we all fall short.  We have the intrinsic ability to extend a level of grace to each other not commonly found in this day and age.

Three people in the last week alluded to the fact that I have chosen to no longer walk the career path.  I took that as a sign.  Perhaps it’s time to explore what feeds my soul, the trappings that have greased the wheels thus far and where the path now finds me.  I’ve been fortunate and blessed enough to be home with the littles for 10 years now.  Oh that I could joyfully admit that I am a wife and mother fulfilled to the core!  Call it a midlife crisis or mere restlessness.  It almost pains me to admit that there is still a yearning, still a seed unplanted and in need of watering.  Please don’t judge me.  Being a mom is my greatest accomplishment to date and I would gladly trade all my wants, needs and desires for the sake of their happiness (insert literally any scene from Bad Moms here).  Yet it somehow seems not enough to still this wandering heart.  My greatest accomplishment falls painfully short and it literally destroys me to say that out loud.  My soul aches.  My spirit cries out for more.  

Let’s get the elephant out of the room straight away.  To say that I am distant in my faith would be the overstatement of the century.  Truth be told, forsaken is the only word that comes to mind.  No need to panic all my sweet Christian friends and family members - and definitely no need to try to fix me.  If you believe it as you say you do, God will make a way and will go after the one.  The Prodigal’s daughter will return in His timing.  But the journey finds me here and I’ve never been one to feign contentment.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I value honesty above all when it comes to my Abba Father.  Pure exhaustion has set in and this girl has finally reached her breaking point.  No longer do I have the desire to “cling to the truth,” to “walk the road less traveled,” or “store up my rewards in heaven.”  Truth be told, I’m spent and threw in the towel quite some time ago.  Again I say, don’t judge me.  I’m fairly certain my God can handle yet another rebellious tantrum with the grace and patience that I wish I could extend to myself.  Maybe I should start there.  

Why is it so difficult for some of us to love ourselves?  I am certain on levels beyond comprehension that it is my picture that appears beside the definition of self-loathing in the dictionary.  Why do I continue to tread water until I’m literally gasping for breath when I’m standing in the shallows and need only to touch the bottom?  How can others see the beauty in me when I can only see the deficiencies, limitations, shame and regret?  Why is it so easy to forgive the ones who paved the road I attempt to navigate and yet I cannot forgive myself or deem myself worthy of such grace?  Self-loathing can be a funny thing - a scary thing - and also a highly destructive thing.  I assigned myself an identity when I was a very young child in the throws of an alcoholic family.  I decided who I was to become and the storyline I would write for myself.  And I penned every moment as it unfolded - from looking for love in all the wrong places to repeating patterns I swore I would not.  I chose my truth and made the conscious decision to fit every event, moment, interaction and thought into that truth.  My truth?  That I am utterly and irrevocably unlovable, unworthy and beyond redemption.  

Sometimes I feel as if I’m watching myself flail around trying to surmount insurmountable obstacles.  I’m angry that I’m not one of those people who can use my adversity, rise above and emerge with a great story of redemption and glory - at least not yet.  I’m angry that I have been so “blessed” with the ability to see the imperfections, destructive cycles and dysfunction in my life, but cannot seem to break free.  I’m angry that the desire to be better, stronger and healthier is there, but the carrot is always dangling just out of reach.  I have become comfortably numb.

So I spent the day binge watching my top three faves.  Not much to be said about Reservoir Dogs other than it’s beyond amazing!!!  But there is no better flick to tap into the part of your soul that cries out for understanding than Almost Famous.  Maybe it’s just me, but music speaks louder in my time of need than any friend, lover or family member can.  Give me Zeppelin.  Give me Floyd.  Give me Free Bird when I’m running full speed ahead downhill trying to escape.  So I replaced half the songs on my iPod and went back to my roots. Call it a rebirth. There is something profoundly cathartic about rediscovering a song that carried you through a difficult time in your life, something that has the power to awaken a sleeping soul and brings with it the promise of better days ahead.  Almost Famous is pure gold.

But the movie that spoke loudest in the silence of this night was Into the Wild.  If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it.  Based on a true story, it chronicles the life of Christopher McCandless, son of a wealthy couple who trades all the niceties of his well-constructed life to follow the longing for something more, something truthful, something real, something born into the very core of his being and never fully satisfied by the successes and accolades accumulated in his short life.  He runs, escapes.  He leaves the comforts of home and takes to the open road to find his truth.  He meets people with stories, people with pasts and demons, people in need of truth.  He sheds the knowledge instilled in him, the traditions bestowed, the ideals handed down as indisputable gospel.  He trades it all to follow the yearning within.  And in his many encounters he meets a hippie wanderer, a mother separated from her son for one reason or another and offers his insights into her agony.  “Some people feel like they don’t deserve love.  They walk away quietly into empty spaces trying to close the gaps of the past.” I fancy myself a loner.  I am always walking away quietly into empty spaces.  Oddly, I can be the life of the party in any given moment and in the next feel a burning desire to run like hell and escape everyone and everything in my life.  In fact, the desire to get in my car and drive thousands of miles away on a minute-by-minute basis is so strong sometimes it’s all I can do to continue to inhale. I am the introverted extrovert, the dichotomy.  I am wild and tame all at once, brave and fearful, truthful to a fault yet unknown.  To say that I struggle with my demons would be a gross understatement.  I can name them, recognize them, see them coming long before they catch up with me and yet somehow cannot flee from them, defeat them, or overcome them.  Hence the current frustration and not-so-tame ambivalence.  

Time to stop circling and bring this baby in a for a landing!  How does one reconcile the wandering spirit within and the demands of family, faith and friendship?  Oh that I could hit the road and follow the voice inside that cries out for freedom and space, the voice that whispers, “Just go.  Leave it all behind and go.”  But we all know you cannot escape your own demons.  Wherever you go, there you are...right?  And so the adventure begins, right here at home, right here in the quiet of this dark night.  I’ve been asked why I don’t write every day and truth be told, I can only write when inspiration comes and so there’s that.  Tonight I have no burning words of wisdom, no hopeful diatribe and frankly no humor to lavish on all you night owls.  Tonight I write for me and hope you will indulge my selfishness.  We’re all on a journey, right?  Tonight mine begins.  In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness...give me truth.”  

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Who Are You to Me?

The question was once posed to me, by a boyfriend I deemed “the love of my life” at the very tender age of 17, “Who are you to me?”

It came on the heels of him breaking up with me and me responding with a downpour of tears and anguish and a not-so-silent plea of, “How can you do this to me?”  I didn’t understand how someone I cared so deeply for could care so little for me.  It scarred me more than any physical or mental abuse I’ve suffered in my lifetime.  It stung so deeply that I’d venture to guess it has since colored every relationship I’ve engaged in.  It wounded me so completely that the gaping hole it blew in my heart has only grown wider and more painful and the patterns I’ve developed as a direct result have only grown more frequent and more disastrous.  I’ve repeated his inquiry to myself at every crossroad and let it permeate my soul with every new loss that has come my way.  And yet, I believe at the very tender age of 42, I am finally ready to part with the indictment once and for all.

I decided today to pose the question to myself one last time, but this time as if it were coming from a very different source and not the seventeen year old child who held my fragile teenage psyche in his unknowing hands.  How would I respond if it were God himself asking the very same question, “Who are you to me?”

And though it’s difficult for me to confidently assert the answer I’ve heard time and again in various sermons and throughout the Bible, I would hope my response would be the resounding, “I am the one You love,” that He seeks.  I AM the one God loves even when I am most rebellious and most unlovable.  What a life-changing mantra that would be if I learned to accept, believe, and moreover, live as if it were true.  I repeated it to myself about a hundred times in the mirror today hoping that somewhere along the way it would sink it.  Oh to live in light of God’s truth and view of me as His creation!  And so I will start here, with a different answer to the same accusatory question.  I will whisper it to myself as long as I have breath to do so and I will slowly let it sink in until it thoroughly changes my perception of myself.  I will one day believe it wholly and unabashedly and I will celebrate on that day a love that no earthly being can offer.  I will rejoice in the love of a Father who is not satisfied with 99, but will always go after the 1!  I am the 1 Jesus loves.

The Parable of the Lost Sheep (Luke 15)
Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus.  But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.”

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

They are watching

To say that I am sad today would be an enormous understatement.  My heart is so, so heavy I can barely focus.  I’ve cried more than a handful of times and truly, a gut-wrenching, soul-spearing mournful cry.  I’m going to try to remain neutral as I share the contents of my heart on this historic and quite frankly, mind-blowing day.  I left the house for all of twenty minutes this morning and met anxiety, bitterness and hostile words at every turn.  I’m not ignorant of the severity and enormity of the situation.  I’m not immune to the implications.  I feel the desperation.  I see the disbelief on the faces around me.  I feel the anxiety more so than usual.  Quite honestly, I feel it more than most and I am so sad.  My soul aches for those who are hurting, those who expected a different outcome.  I’ve heard it said many times that there was no good option.  I’m not sure I disagree, but the frustration in that belief is that it leaves us where?  Devoid of elation, excitement and confidence?  Left alone with our collective conscience, our fleeting hopes and our best guesses?  Isn’t that what life is for the most part anyway?  Is there any certainty other than death?  If there were, there would be no reason to debate, no difference of opinion, no diversity, no chance to learn and grow and better ourselves.  Having said that, what happened this week happened and I will not be the first or the last to say, “it’s time to move on.”  Enter my bleeding heart.  Millions of Americans have a grim reality to deal with today, a letdown of epic proportions and a hurt that feels insurmountable and hangs in the air like a dark and foreboding cloud.  This.Takes.Time.  There may be a lengthy healing process and a period of mourning that hopefully will find its way to acceptance and hope and THAT is why I chose to enter into terrifying territory and write this post.  I’m not excited about it.  I don’t feel the need to disclose my preference for President of the United States.  Frankly, I don’t care anymore about how it all played out.  What led me to write today was an overwhelming urge to remind myself and hopefully others, that our littles are watching and we, as a nation are under a microscope.  What a remarkable and magnificent opportunity we have!

Ours was a house divided.  Some of us were on the fence.  Some of us were not confident even when we finally chose.  And some of us did not waiver in their convictions from beginning to end.  Let me first clear the elephant out of the room.  I recognize that my littles are seven and nine and I am extremely careful not to weigh them down with things they cannot possibly comprehend.  I temper my answers with age-appropriate phrases and less-is-more notions.  Having said that, they are curious and ask a lot of loaded questions.  I have done my best to indulge their curiosity without forcing my values on them.  I have always shared my beliefs with them openly and honestly and always close the conversation with something along the lines of, “Please remember these are my beliefs.  You will meet many people who value very different things and that is why it is most important to me that you treat them with kindness and grace.  Be open minded and learn as much as you can about as many things as possible.  And then make up your own mind.”  The littles were split and when they “voted” at school their votes fell along different party lines (indulge me for a moment).  That means, one or more of us did not emerge victorious.  They have watched us over the last few years try to weed through the lies and the insults, try to rationalize our fears and justify our stance.  They have seen us grapple with our own limitations and struggle to make sense of a seemingly senseless and broken system.  They have traveled with us to an extent on an exhausting journey and they saw it end last night.  So how do I compartmentalize the ultimate end to this journey?  I wish I knew what the future held so I could assure them we are in good hands.  I wish I could instill in them a confidence that defies explanation.  I cannot.  Truth is I am and will continue to pray fervently for this country that I love and for its leaders and for its youth.  What I can do, however, at this very moment in time is to be an example and try to navigate these times with hope and optimism.

We had a conversation before I dropped them off this morning.  I told them that they would likely encounter angry, hurt and frustrated friends today (most of whom do not realize the words they are espousing were fed to them and actually make very little sense to their ever-evolving minds).  What matters on a day like today is not who won the election.  What matters is how we handle the victory and the defeat.  I implored them quite honestly, to avoid the conversation at all costs, but if they were confronted, to be sensitive and patient, kind and compassionate, humble and gracious.  What I hope to impart to my children is a lesson in humanity.  I am seeking to raise my children with an absence of entitlement and an existence of dignity.  I am hoping their foundation will be built on hard work, diligence, staying the course and a belief that nothing comes without cost and great responsibility.  I hope they recognize that sacrifices are an unfortunate necessity and that there is a great and rewarding satisfaction when success is earned rather than inherited.  I hope they are keenly and infinitely aware and thankful for both their blessings and their struggles.  I pray they recognize that they are but one link on an endless chain and it is their duty and privilege to ensure that chain remain intact and not be broken. I’ve seen a hundred or so posts today about what to tell the children who are in tears, fearful of the next four years.  My children did not wake up this morning weeping and fearful and if they had, I would fear that I had done them a great disservice.  My job as a parent is to ensure a safe and secure environment for my children despite the circumstances around them.  I am not delusional.  They will learn in due time that the world is not a safe place.  They will learn that life is not always fair and just and predictable.  They learned the latter this morning.  They will have many opportunities to confront fear, anxiety and uncertainty in their short lives, but home, MY home will be a haven.  I will teach my children that hope is second to none, that compassion and grace are to be valued above all.  That kindness is not a trait we exhibit intermittently and put into practice during anti-bullying week.  Kindness counts every minute of every hour of every day.

I have always fancied myself a realist and I love to talk ad nauseum.  My poor babies!  I don’t shy away from the tough talks.  I am constantly questioning when it is acceptable to share my life experiences with them.  I want them to have a firm grasp of what they are up against.  I want to be the first to educate them on the realities of life.  I never talked to my children in baby talk.  I probably should have done more of that.  Point being, I have never been one to sugar coat and I am not about to start now.  I am fatally flawed, as we all are and as hard as I try, I fall short at every turn, but I will not give up.  I owe my children that much.  And I owe it to them to be as honest as I can when it comes to challenging matters such as the present state of our nation.  I refuse to shy away from opportunities to teach them valuable lessons.  So what is the takeaway this time?  My children woke up this morning with an understanding that life goes on, that the hope and optimism they feel about their future is still there, and that we love them no less and no more than the day before.  I’m not saying I’ve got it all figured out or that I’m doing any of this right.  I’m doing the best I can and am a work in progress.  I have tried diligently to focus more on the process and less on the people and I’ve actually learned along with them on this one.  I want them to understand why it is critical to let your voice be heard (even in California where so many people feel their vote doesn’t count).  I want them to believe they can affect change regardless of the obstacles.  I am teaching them that there is no gloating and no bragging AND ALSO, no pouting and no shouting.  

The reality of life is that it is not fair.  Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.  You will face adversity.  You will be overlooked on occasion.  You will have to work with people you don’t see eye-to-eye with and you will have to rise to the occasion on occasion.  You will have minor and major differences with others.  No matter how much unity we strive for, there will always be a divide because of two little things called free will and free thinking.  That’s the beauty of America...we are free to believe whatever we choose.  There will always be differences among us and if we can acknowledge those in a respectful and patient way, I believe we can find some form of common ground and put forth an effective, mutually beneficial society wherein no one feels they are being left behind. It is our interaction with each other, especially those we don’t agree with, that defines our character as individuals and as a nation.  So how do we navigate this rise and fall roller coaster that is democracy?  When others are hurting, you feel their pain and you seek to alleviate it.  When others are gloating, you rise above it.   You keep your head high and you press on.  And when you find yourself on the short end of the stick, you do not pout, stomp your feet, take your ball and go home.  You steady your resolve and cling to your beliefs.  You hold your head high, stand firm in your convictions, and exude graciousness and humility.  And if you find yourself at the head of the class, you do the same, because that is what my savior did.  He humbled himself and did not consider himself greater than others.  Philippians 2:7-8 “...rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!”

I refuse to immerse myself in a sea of fear and anxiety, because I believe that perfect love cast out fear.  And perfect love comes from one place only, one person, one great and loving Father.  And when my children are fearful and disheartened - and they will be - they need only to look Heavenward, to put their trust in a great and powerful God.  A God who can triumph over any adversity, any uncertainty.  A god who transcends our understanding and defies our logic.  A God who remains in control despite our best efforts to convince ourselves otherwise.  A God who loves every one of us...Republican or Democrat, black or white, legal or illegal, man or woman.  My God loves us all equally and unabashedly.  To me, there really is no choice.  He gets my vote every time.  Let the healing begin!

Heavenly Father, hear our cries and heal our nation.  Tend to our wounds, bottle our tears and bridge the gap.  Remind us that you are in control and cast out our fear.  Give us the strength, resolve and desire to put our faith and trust in you.  Lead us not down a road of bitterness and hatred, but direct our paths toward your grace and mercy.  We are your people and seek your counsel.  We are one nation, under God and we thank you for your providence and sovereignty.  And we hope in a bright and beautiful future.  Amen.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Fear and Loathing in the OC

This feels odd.  It’s been at least six months since I’ve taken the time to blog.  Why (she says humorously, presuming her audience has been waiting on bated breath for her re-appearance)?  To be honest, I am really only motivated to write when I am truly inspired, and by that, I mean overwhelmed, soaking up the beauty of rock bottom, basking in the glow of desperation, longing for better days ahead.  But...I’m.Just.Not.There.  Don’t get me wrong.  The princess is just as feisty as ever, minute-by-minute testing my patience and planting seeds of doubt in my parental soul on an hourly basis.  Yes, she’s still a handful, God love her more than life itself, and the golden child is still - and will forever be - an enigma.  But I, have somehow managed to navigate the chutes and ladders of motherhood without the need to lay it all out there for all to read.  So where does that leave me presently?  Alone.  With my thoughts.  Alone to circumnavigate the inner workings of my own soul, the deafening tones of my inner voice, which seem to be growing increasingly louder as the night wears on.  And what, pray tell, would actually motivate me on yet another weary, late night to overcome the laziness and comfort of my Living Spaces Hide-A-Bed amidst the wonder and glory that is Criminal Minds to make the marathon trip to the bedroom to retrieve my laptop and pen the following diatribe?  What else but fear...and perhaps a shred of bitterness!

It’s been said that fear is a great motivator.  Hogwash!  I’m waving the bullshit flag on that one.  Fear does not motivate me.  Fear debilitates me.  Fear whispers to the most vulnerable parts of me, “It’s never gonna happen.  You are never going to have the life you long for.  You will never be the perfect wife.  The perfect mother.  You will never have enough hours in the day to meet the expectations of the masses.” Maybe fear does motivate some, but not this girl.  I’m not one of those people who looks fear in the face and says, “Nope, not today.  I got this!”  I am the one who allows the years of chaos, insecurity, pain and self-loathing to quiet the voice of reason and hope.  I am the one who succumbs.  I am the one who allows fear to warm the water just enough for me to not notice that I am slowly hitting the boiling point.  

If you haven’t guessed, I’m a huge Criminal Minds fan.  I love all things dark, disturbing and just sinister enough to ensure that I never sleep soundly again (sorry, but it’s true).  On tonight’s episode, the lovely JJ is confronted by a vision from her past.  A vision that stole from her the most sacred part of her being, her peace, her security, her strength.  She asks her “offender,” “Why am I not past you?  For a year I’ve been’ve taken everything.”

To which he responds, “Oh, Jennifer, there is so much more I’m going to take.  First, I’m going to take your sleep.  Then, your smile.  I won’t let you feel safe anywhere.  And finally, I will transform you so that your husband and your son won’t recognize you anymore.”

And God love that sweet, feisty, gorgeous little BAU agent (and the writers who pen her life so eloquently) she defiantly responds, “No.  No.  No.”  End scene.

Most people would call it a night, but me, of course not.  Two glasses in and longing for some inspiration outside of my role as chauffeur, Red Ribbon Week guru, quesadilla and chicken nugget chef, I dove in and did some soul searching.  All kidding aside, my goal in life is to tackle my fear and bitterness with the confident assurance of JJ.  With a resounding, definitive, “No.”  End scene.  But what do I actually do?  I question my decision to quit my anti-depressants.  I drink too much wine.  I fill my days with Etsy orders and elementary school drama and Bejeweled Blitz perfect party games.  I lay my Bible on the kitchen counter at midnight promising to return to my first love first thing in the morning.  And somehow the emptiness overshadows the busyness and the bitterness takes center stage.  Ugh!  So when does enough become enough?  I suppose when the writers get it right and something strikes a chord...the perfect combination of NBC, and early bedtime for the kiddos, and a good Malbec.  And I wonder, what will it take to ensure that the fear, hurt and bitterness from my past do not steal my sleep, my smile, my safety, and turn me into something my husband and children no longer recognize?  

There’s a song that I love by Plumb that I shouldn’t love, but I do.  It’s painful.  It’s heartbreaking.  It’s truth, at it’s finest.  And I’ve had the lyrics in this document for about two years, waiting for the perfect blog, the right time to share them, waiting for inspiration to pull the trigger and let the words out of the gate.  It brings me to tears every time.  It speaks to my heart, at the deepest level.  It strikes a chord.  But there isn’t a resolve and I think that’s where I get stuck and the inspiration fades.  For those of you who read my blog, you know that I like to end with a revelation, a new chapter, a glimmer of hope. I need  to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a method to the madness, a happy ending.  This song has none of that.  There is only what is and it isn’t pretty.  It’s called Damaged and it’s basically the anthem of my life.  Here’s a snippet:

Dreaming comes so easily,
'cause it's all that I've known.
True love is a fairy tale.
I'm damaged, so how would I know?

Healing comes so painfully,
And it chills to the bone.
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know.

There's mending for my soul,
An ending to this fear.
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger.
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back.

It makes me sad for the life I should have had, or the life I believe I should have had.  The pain that should not be there.  But I can’t go back.  I can’t undo what was done.  And I certainly can’t cling to the bitterness and sense of entitlement if I intend to have any peace in the future.  The dictionary defines broken (damaged) as this:

- separated into parts or pieces by being damaged, etc.
- not working properly
- made weak or infirm
- subdued completely: crushed, sorrowful

And to that, I issue a resounding, “No.  No.  No.”  (Go JJ!)  It’s time for a new definition.  

Though I often feel I am a walking illustration of broken/damaged, I.Am.Not.  I am a walking contradiction and it’s time I start living that way.  The world says I am damaged.  My God says I am a new creation.  The world says I am broken.  My God says I am whole.  The world says I am weak.  My God says I am strong in Him.  The world says I am crushed.  My God says I am “...hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.” ~2 Cor. 4:8-12

I am not damaged.  

So where does one go when they have for decades believed them self to be broken, beyond repair?  I guess the real challenge is a constant awareness of the struggle between my limitations and my God’s limitless love.  I must learn not to allow the pressure of daily demands, pain of the past, and spirit of bitterness that dwells within me to suffocate the spirit of hope, strength and perseverance my first love gave to me the day we met.  The day he took my hand and said, “Fear not, for I am with you.”  The day He promised that though the road would not always be smooth and the path would not always be clear, I would always find my way back to Him.  “The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.”  ~Isaiah 40:8

Though the winds whip high and the waves be fierce, He will quiet the storm and calm the seas.  When the voice inside says, “You are done,” I will find the voice inside to answer back with the truth planted in my soul years ago.  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  ~Philippians 4:13

Sunday, October 05, 2014

I'm Rubber, You're Glue!

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet, because honestly, I have worn out way too many people this week with my words, most importantly, the littlest little.  It became abundantly clear to me yesterday that perhaps I am not a woman of few words as I had once suspected.  Apparently, I’m quite the opposite.  A brief history of the princess and I (the one we call Pookie): it’s possible we both like to control things.  It’s more likely we both have an incessant, nagging, life-consuming need to control things, namely, each other.  I find it odd, because typically, I’m more than happy to relinquish control over any situation at the expense of my needs.  I value my sanity more.  I find myself at the center of the color wheel, the middle of the road when it comes to personality tests.  I am more often than not, the “hub,” the one who tries to ensure everything is copacetic and everyone is satisfied.  But with the princess, all my feelings of inadequacy and failure seem to take center stage manifesting in the form of a crazy, ugly control freak of a monster akin to Jason Voorhees on Friday the 13th.  Perhaps she is the only thing I can control in this world that seems to be spinning out of control.  Let’s face it, I can’t even exercise my right to reign over the 17 pound feline, so I’ve set my sights on the next best thing!  We fight like sworn enemies.  We battle like General Custer and the Indians at Little Bighorn.  We have mastered the art of name-calling and manipulation.  And I am not proud.  But I am tired.  And I am ready to affect some serious change.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014, I picked the food battle once again.  I decided it was time to get a handle on Pookie’s snack obsession, my ambivalence to it, and her Cheez-It-Lucky Charms-Nutella-filled destiny.  The first three days left me feeling empty and disparate.  There have been profanity-filled, insult rich, guilt-inducing “Oh-how-I-wish-I-could-take-that-back” knock down drag outs from sun up to sun down.  We have redefined the term “low blow.”  I have somehow managed to teach my five-year old how to fight like a 40-year old, bitter woman recently off her meds.  My failed attempts to reason with her and explain the detriments of a bad attitude and the bleak, friendless future she faces are frequently met with, “Can we please not talk anymore?  Please just stop talking.”  I find myself walking a very familiar path of exhaustion once again, mustering up one last breath to utter the all-too-familiar mantra I’ve come to know and love, “I give.  You win, pint-sized mini me!”  I have fashioned a white flag out of some craft dowels and a wet wipe and I am waving it vehemently from the darkest corner of my closet, wherein I have chosen to take refuge for the time being.  And yep, you guessed it, in the darkest recesses of my soul, in another of my darkest hours, in my silent escape (which also happens to house my winter sweaters and several faded pairs of jeans), the still, small voice speaks softly to my heart for the four-thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-seventh time.  “You’re on the same team.  You’re much stronger together, a house united, not divided.  You’re both drowning in a sea of “me me me” and there’s a life raft within reach.  Get on board!”

So I did a little research and it took all of five minutes to dig deep enough to pull up this little gem.  It’s often used in marriage ceremonies to signify the bond between a husband and wife, but why not a mommy and her strong-willed peanut head?  “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” ~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

So I lay next to Pookie tonight, stroking her hair, singing lullabies upon request and let the reality of our present dilemma sting my soul.  My heart hurts.  Why, oh, why have we decided to define our relationship by anger, frustration, anxiety and pride?  Why have we chosen to be mortal enemies rather than forever friends?  What if instead of fighting like cats and dogs we made a plan to go it together instead of alone?  What if we choose to believe that together, we can accomplish immeasurably more to further the kingdom of God than we can ever hope to accomplish alone?  What if instead of asserting our dominance over each other on an hourly basis we actually set our sights outward to where the real battle rages?  While we’re arguing the validity of shorts under a too-short skirt and debating whose responsibility it is to ensure Barbie and Ken make it safely back to the car after an hour romp at the park, real problems exist in a real world that’s been screaming for salvation for years.  Can we not look outside ourselves for a brief moment in time and recognize that we have the power to heal?  To help?  To model kindness and grace and unity to a world characterized by vanity, arrogance and self-sufficiency?  

Let’s do it, pint-sized warrior!  Let’s show them what real beauty looks like.  Let’s put down the weapons of manipulation and right-fighting and join forces.  Let’s show them what teamwork looks like, or better yet, what love looks like.  The kind of love that says, “I don’t mind if I don’t win this one.  What do you need from me right at this moment?  What can I do to make your heart happy and your soul sing?”  The kind of love that recognizes that our parts are never greater than the sum.  And sadly, the kind of love that is so incredibly contradictory in this day and age we live in, the kind of love that flies in the face of self-preservation, that finds no place in mainstream media and in our schools and on our playgrounds, the kind of love that is mocked and scorned by the so-called “role models” and “heroes” of our time.  But the kind of love that will prevail, will show itself real, will reveal the face of a pure, loving and eternal God once and for due time.  “It is written: 'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God.’” ~ Romans 14:11

Let’s do this, little angel!  Let’s give ‘em Hell!  (Or maybe Heaven.  Let’s just let this one play out as it should, shall we?)!!!  But for the love of all things furry, chocolate, pink and sparkly, let’s walk together down this crazy path we call life, hand-in-hand, under the banner of an awesome God.  I’m on your side, baby girl, today, tomorrow and forever.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Bugger Off

Have you ever noticed how we allow our present circumstances to define us?  No?  Just me?  Well then, indulge me for a moment or two.  This week, I am a mother struggling to defend our fortress against the mighty, mighty invasion of a cruel and relentless enemy known as head lice.  How it infiltrated our home, MY precious cargo, and our every waking moment is insignificant.  What matters is that it did.  It’s here.  It’s mortifying.  And it is holding on for dear life with it’s 6 tiny legs and it’s uncanny ability to hold it’s breath for an ungodly amount of time.  I have never fancied myself a germophobe, but this week and for the rest of my life, I find myself obsessed with all things unclean, unsavory and unwanted.

The first night kicked my ass.  We discovered the little buggers at 10pm on a Friday night when the hubs was away surfing on a two-day excursion...yay!  Flying solo in the hard times once again, I sent the ever-attentive and slightly grossed out mother out to find the mother load, a pharmacy still open AND in possession of a lice removal kit.  We fared as well as can be kit.  That meant one child.  So while I diligently shampooed, oiled and strand-by-strand stroked the princesses tresses with a fine-toothed comb for three straight hours, the boy waited patiently on the couch, whereupon he eventually fell asleep.  Being the ever-attentive mom, I whispered a silent “Good call” to myself as I remembered he was not entirely ready for bed and grabbed a Pull Up from his room.  Riddled with frustration over the tedious task of removing tiny pests from our heads, let’s just say discovering that I was ten minutes too late did not add to my bragging rights.  So I may have uttered a not-so-pleasant phrase or two as I proceeded to remove the cushions from the couch we purchased less than a year ago and was temporarily pleased to find that they didn’t appear to be beyond repair.  And so as I carried them downstairs to the patio to air them out, I felt relief for the first time that night.  Goooo me!  And then I went back inside to continue the arduous process of debugging our home and our babies and myself and that is when I discovered the super welcome trail of pee leading from our patio throughout the condo back to it’s point of origin.  You see, the cushions are actually covered with an insulation that doesn’t allow liquid to absorb into the actual cushion.  It just drips off the covering...yay!  So I began to clean up that mess and was met with the sweet, sweet sound of our washing machine, which I refer to as “the death of me,” not because I do a lot of laundry, but because the locking mechanism has been broken for almost a year and emits a very loud buzzing noise every ten minutes when the door loosens.  And though the Angry Birds duct tape certainly adds a whimsical flair to the ordinary, I do not find it at all amusing when I have to remove it approximately 19 times an hour to complete One.Load.Of.Laundry.  Now mind you, when you are attempting to remove lice from your home, you must wash every article of clothing worn for the last two to three days, every towel, every sheet, every pillow case and every blanket.  In our home, this amounts to approximately 917, 322 loads of laundry.  And then you must seal every stuffed animal, pillow and item that cannot be machine-washed in a garbage bag and tie it off for two weeks to allow the little suckers to suffocate and die, thus preventing them from multiplying.  And then, you have to soak every comb, brush, hair clip, barrette, and headband in steaming hot water for 15 minutes.  This was the point in the evening when I gave up.  I threw them all away.  I surrendered.  The little buggers had won.  This had officially become the worst night of my life since I had given birth.  The next day, or week, I should say, was not much better.  I thought I was a slave to the laundry before this little incident!  I became obsessed...with everything!  I prodded heads every two seconds like a mother chimp picking at the fur of her littles, washed everything that touched the carpet for even a fraction of a second (the five-second rule does NOT apply when you have a lice infestation), covered the furniture in sheets and freaked out when they budged even an inch.  Oh, I was super fun to live with for approximately 16 seconds.  My poor babies.  And so it is that on this, the sixth night of our infestation, I have come to the realization that I often allow my circumstances to define my life at any given moment and ultimately, to drown me in a sea of my own self-pity and negativity.  Simply stated, I allow them to overwhelm me.  

It’s like living with an alcoholic (trust me, I have experience with this one).  You wake up in the morning unsure of how you feel, how your day is going to go until you determine their mood.  How they feel dictates how you feel.  And I do this with everything in my life.  If my kiddos are happy and joyful, playing well together (like, for once in their lives), I am happy and joyful.  If I have no pressing, urgent matter to address, no catastrophe to surmount, life is copacetic.  I am productive, at peace, mother-of-the-year.  Life is great.  I am living in the moment.  Everything is as it should be.  Even the songs on the radio are predestined and every streetlight seems to be green.  But if, by chance, life throws a teensy tiny wrench in the program, all is lost!  Suddenly, I am a failure as a mother.  I can do no right.  The world is against me.  And I allow myself to slip slowly back into the depression that I war against on a daily basis.  Yes, I’m not afraid to admit it.  I struggle daily with depression and it’s no fun.  I’ve been free of my seven-year run with anti-depressants for several months now and though I’m terribly proud of that feat, I’m also terribly aware of my on-and-off again love affair with depression.  It doesn’t take much to send me spiraling.  And so it is that I find myself wrestling with the realization that I have allowed a tiny little obstacle such as head lice to nearly break me down to the point of defeat.  No, really.  I have actually felt defeated this week, physically and mentally exhausted, questioning whether I will every truly find peace in the midst of chaos.  So here’s the thing.  They say (or at least I believe) once you’ve been confronted with a weakness or the realization of a pattern of behavior, you no longer have an excuse to allow it to control you, to suffocate you, to define you, or to break your spirit for even a second.  You see, I have a choice.  I can allow my present circumstances to drag me down, define me, and carry me to a dark, pitiful place.  Or I can choose to see them for what they are, fleeting and temporal, a bump in the road that may slow me down, but will not render me immobile, a bug on the windshield that I can wash off at the next service station (seemed appropriate).  I can choose to rise above and view my life from the heights.  I can recognize that who I am and how I feel is not dependent on what is happening to me, within me and around me.  I can rise above and overcome, as God intended.  “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.”  ~2 Samuel 22:34

So where do I go from here?  Well, tomorrow it’s to the salon to shorten this monstrosity to a manageable length should the enemy ever decide to grace these halls again.  And then, to the shower.  But eventually, to the depths of my being.  To the core of my existence.  To the heart of the matter and the deepest recesses of my soul where my sweet savior speaks, as He always does when I choose to listen.  To the truth that’s been there all along.  To the truth of who I am and who He is.  To the part of me that knows that even when the going gets tough, I am tougher.  He built me to withstand and to stand with Him.  He formed me in His image and though that image may appear scarred and bruised and tattered at times, it remains so incredibly beautiful that He could not love me less and He could not love me more.  And in that moment when I allow that truth to settle in and settle the restless, obsessive spirit within me that wants nothing more than to scream at the top of my lungs, “All is lost!  All is lost!”  I can see clearly that the little things will nearly always fade into the background of the big picture.  What matters most when life is dragging me down is that I continue to look up, to the heights, to the author and perfecter of my faith.